


Save Me From Falling

by Jessi_aka_pyro



Category: Supernatural
Genre: BAD DEAN!, Bad Dean, Cas self-harms, Castiel is depressed, Depressing, Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Rating will go up, SPN - Freeform, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Supernatural - Freeform, Takes place after Dean kicks out Cas in Season 9, Very graphic, season nine, sorry - Freeform, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-19
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-03-31 06:55:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3968656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessi_aka_pyro/pseuds/Jessi_aka_pyro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas has been booted from the bunker and is on the run for angels. Plagued by nightmares andd imense guilt, he must find his reason to live again or be tormented by his own anguish and self-hatred. Trigger warning. HEAVY TRIGGER WARNING. Will eventually become Destiel. Rating will go up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is just an idea I had. Tell me if I should keep on with it.

** Save Me From Falling **

He was falling.

That’s how the dreams always started.

Castiel would be falling and falling, unable to slow himself down as each feather was harshly plucked from his wings, one by one. He’d try to scream in pain, scream for anyone to help him, but no sound would escape his mouth,. He’d look down, seeing the ground become closer with each passing second of pained agony. Eventually Castiel would land of course, but when he did, his wings were all but empty skeletons on what they used to be. One single feather would fall to the ground, and burn away, drifting into the wind. He’d sit there, laying on the ground, useless, tears cascading down his face, and blood seeping from the wounds on his back, as the bones of his wings would slowly burn away until there was nothing left. Eventually he’d be left there, with nothing of his angel form left, surrounded by ashes, shivering from the frost temperatures, and welcoming death at any second. But just before he’d reach complete oblivion, the cruel world would take his Ending away from him and drag him into consciousness.

** Chapter One. **

Castiel blinked his eyes open slowly, cringing as the world focused into view. It was another dream that had left him feeling hollow. It was always the same, night after night, any time he fell asleep, it was always the same.

No matter then length of time or place. He was plagued with the thoughts of his falling. The other men in the shelter used to worry when Castiel (Or Clarence to them) would begin thrashing about and screaming without noise, they even attempted to wake him on a few occasions, but now they leave him be. Give him space when they see the dark, void less, look overcome his face. When his eyes would go dead.

Cas looked over at the gigantic clock on the wall of the room he shared with another man by the name of Robert. It read Three Forty-seven. And assuming by the still dark sky, Cas figured it was in the AM. He sighs and sits up, wishing not for the first time that he was back at the bunker. With Dean. But the Winchester obviously didn’t want him there. Cas was sure he had his reasons. But it still didn’t cure the hurt he felt inside whenever he thought about it.

Trying not to disturb Robert, who’s snoring way louder than what is considered polite and smells of fish, Castiel tiptoes out of the room. He needs to clear his head. Get those awful thoughts out of his head. Being a human comes with man new sensations. Pain not being the only one, but also what he has come to call ‘the bad thoughts’. It’s when his head feels like it’s going to explode and he’s going to collapse on the ground, wanting to throw up. His thought’s and memories of the nightmare will circle his brain until that’s all he can think about and he starts to envision himself reliving it over and over, continuously falling and somehow never running out of feathers, but constantly losing one again and again until his stomach is tightening and turning over and Cas is toppling over, suddenly weak and light headed, overcome with grief and pain and guilt. Guilt for putting all of the other angels through this.

He deserves to die. He should die. To avenge all of the other angels he has wronged. But Castiel can’t die. He knows that now. For some reason he Is cursed to forever be punished on the wonderful, yet cruel planet. So he lives on. Dean used to be his reason, but now that Dean doesn’t want him, Cas isn’t sure what he’s living for anymore, but he knows he needs to. So instead he copes. Copes with his painful existence.

In the beginning, he almost ended it. Had his blade to his neck, right where Metatron had held it, and been ready to slice. But a girl from a previous shelter had come in. Her name was Alice. Cas grew fond of Alice quickly and she soon showed him a world of coping with pain. She showed him ways to punish himself for his wrongs yet still being able to carry on his burden. It was a better punishment this way anyway. Dying was the easy way out and Cas knew it. Maybe that was his new reason to live. To be punished.

Castiel walked behind the shelter where the others normally went to smoke. He sat on the ground, leaning against the building. The air was cold and the sky was clear. It was a beautiful night. Dean would’ve had them roll down the windows. He felt a pain at his heart at the thought.

Cas rolled up his left sleeve, gently tracing the thin white and red lines with the pad of his finger. This was how he coped. He would carve the wrongs into his skin. So he would never forget. He had originally started out with light marks that faded away so not all were on there, but from the past three months he’s been away from Dean, after meeting Alice, he’s starting to build quite the collection.

Drawing out his angel blade, Cas grabbed it by the middle, barley reacting to the sting building in his pam, and pressed it harshly against a clean spot on his arm. The cool of the blade made goosebumps rise up on his arm.

Castiel shivered in anticipation.

He pulled the blade back, watching as the blood bubbled up to fill the emptiness. It always amused him how it would try to fill the gaps he made yet always proved futile and just slid down his skin, useless.

The feeling is relieving his of his muffled head, but only temporarily. He makes another cut and one more after that, sighing as the world becomes more clear, his head becoming empty, focusing on the pain in his arm, and nothing else. Of course there are those little nagging reminders in the back but Cas is grateful for even five minutes of silence. He stays like that until the sun rises, and only then does he wipe the red crust from his arm, lowing his sleeve and replacing the angel blade in its hidden holster in his pant leg. He pulls his jacket tighter around him, fighting the chill. It’s not his trench, that’s for sure, but it works. He stands up, feeling stiff and drained.

Cas walks (more like stumbles) back to the entrance only to come face with one of the ladies who run the shelter. Her name is Rose, and even though Cas is very fond of the sweet twenty-three year old, he’s really not in the mood to speak with anyone. He tries to make his way past but she grabs his arm.

“Hey Clarence, what are you doing up already. Couldn’t sleep again?”

Cas shakes his head and tries to pull away.

“Clarence? Are you okay?”

“U-uh yeah. Yes. I’m just tired.” He gruffs out, not meeting her eyes. He’s been having trouble looking people in the eyes lately. The guilt of every horror he’s set upon these wonderful humans tends to overcome his thoughts when he does.

Rose looks concerned and lets go of his arm, but she’s always concerned when it comes to Clarence. She can just feel the self-hatred rolling off of him when he interacts with her. “Are you sure? Are you even going to sleep? If you want, you could come help me and Trish whip up breakfast for everyone. If you want to.”

She looks at him pleadingly and Cas has trouble coming up with an excuse. He was always a terrible liar anyway.

He relents and nods after casting an unsure look in the direction of the kitchen. Rose brightens immediately and drags him to the mess hall.

So that’s Cas spends his day. He helps out when he can and avoids conversation whenever possible. Just a week more and he’ll be moving onto the next shelter. No point in letting the angels find hm. He doesn’t want to cause these nice people to get hurt. Dean would never forgive him if he did.

It’s not long until Castiel is back in his and Robert’s room, sitting against his headboard, reading a book he picked up in the activity room.

He eventually finds his eyes slipping shut against his will, the exhaustion overcoming his need to stay awake. Castiel is not surprised when suddenly he’s falling through the sky.


	2. Chapter Two

**_ Chapter Two. _ **

“Hey! Clarence, get up!”

Castiel bats the hands on his shoulders away and rolls over.

“Come on, man! We gotta go!” The hands are persistent and pull his blankets off, rolling Cas back over. “Someone’s been killed, man, we gotta go!”

That grabs Cas’ attention.

He sits up, ignoring the muddled thoughts circling his heads from his reoccurring dream. “What? Robert, who was killed?”

Robert looks different than usual. Or well… different from his usual oddities. While normally his hair sticks up at odd angles, today it seems his hair was trying to jump from his head. His eyes are bloodshot and wild, and his whole body shaking like a leaf.

Castiel grabs Roberts hands, holding them steady, and attempts to calm him down. After what seems like hours but was only a mere three or four minutes, Robert takes a deep breath.

“Rose. It was Rose. Something killed Rose.”

Cas stares ahead, no longer looking in Robert’s direction. “Wha- How? When?”

Robert pulled his hands away, running them through his hair and pacing. “I-I- I don’t know, man! I went to help her clean, it’s my turn tonight, and there she was! Dead! Th-there was blood… like everywhere! And-and… there was a big hole in her chest like- like something ate her. I-I called the police but… We can’t be here. Do you know how many drugs I’ve got stashed up here!? If they search this place, I’m screwed!”

Castiel stands up and squats to pull a duffle bag out from underneath his bed. He immediately begins pulling out weapons. His demon knife, his crossbow, an iron poker, a gun that dean had given him, and a canister of rock salt. Robert is staring.

“What the hell are you doing, man!? We gotta leave! Where’d you even get that stuff? Is that a gun!? Is that a fricken crossbow!?!”

Castiel rolls his eyes and loads his pockets up with the stuff, holding the crossbow against his shoulder. “A friend. Now, you said her chest was eaten? Did you see what exactly was missing? This is important.”

“Dude! What the hell? Are you some kind of psychopath? What kind of-“

“ROBERT. Just tell me where the body is. I’ll look myself, I’d like to figure out what I’m hunting before the police arrive.”

Robert stares at Castiel like he’s crazy. “She’s in the hall was near the kitchen. Hunting? What do you mean. Like the animal that killed her?”

Cas nods and begins walking down the hall towards the stairs. “Yes. There are more things in this world than you know, and I try and stop them when I can.”

“Man you’re crazy. I’m outta here.”

Castiel bids him a halfhearted goodbye and runs down the stairs and heads towards the kitchen. There’s people crowded around the hallway, but he ignores them, pushing through. At the footsteps running behind him, Cas rolls his eyes.

He squats down near the body of Rose, ignoring all the questions around him. It doesn’t take long for Robert to squat down near him.

“Yes Robert? I thought you were leaving.”

“Yeah well, I am. But if you really are crazy, I want to make sure you don’t get hurt.”

“Thanks…,” he mumbles and peers over Rose’s ripped open chest. Ah, just as he thought. The heart was missing. She was defiantly attacked, but that was the only organ that he could spot in the surrounding area. Standing back up, Castiel pushes his way through the crowd. He hears the sirens and ducks out the back of the building.

“Hey, where are you going!”

Cas rolls his eyes again. He has a feeling he’s going to get used to doing that a lot more often.

“I’m going to hunt down the monster that killed her before anyone else gets hurt.”

“Monster? You just said it was an animal. What the hell are you talking about, monsters…”

Cas turns around and grabs Robert by the shoulders. “Look. I fight monsters. The thing that killed Rose? I’m assuming it’s a werewolf. I’m going to find it, and kill it. Now you can either leave or you can shut up and come with. I don’t care. But please. Be quiet. And if you see it, Tell me and hide. Okay?”

Robert swallows and nods.

“So what’s it going to be, Robert?”

“… Well you’re the one with a fricken crossbow. I don’t believe you but something’s out there killing people so I guess I’ll stay with you.”

Castiel sighs and rolls his eyes again. He turns back around and Looks around at the forest behind the shelter. There’s an obvious parting in the brush. Something made its way through there.

“Come on. Through there,” Cas says, pointing his crossbow in that direction.

He pulls the poker out of his belt loop and hands it to Robert. “It won’t do much against a werewolf, but it’s something to defend yourself with. I don’t quite trust you with a gun yet.”

Robert nods his thanks and holds it up like a sword, standing close behind Cas.

It doesn’t take long for the two to find the wolf. It’s not even that far into the forest. Cas pushes Robert behind a tree and mouths for him to be quiet. Robert doesn’t have a problem with that as he stares unbelieving at the beast.

It’s staffing it’s face into a rabbit currently, ripping it’s innards apart, searching for the heart. Cas pulls out his gun and takes a calming breath as he aims. He suddenly remembers the time Dean was teaching him how to shoot a gun. His hands on Cas’ hips and chest to his back. Cas shakes the thought from his head and takes a step closer.

_Crack!_

Cas gasps as the beast suddenly freezes. It swings its ugly face in their direction. Cas looks down at the stick that broke in horror and then to Robert. Just as the wolf starts charging them, Cas screams “RUN!” And shoots blindly, while running deeper into the forest. He loses sight of Robert and is greatful. At least the werewolf isn’t chasing him. Cas shoots another shot as it gains on him. It whines in pain but keeps running.

Cas curses as his gun clicks empty. He fumbles with the bag on his back to get another round out but miscalculates his steps and trips. It’s like he’s falling again. Like in the dream. Yet instead of it lasting forever, his face crashes harshly into the ground. He yells out in pain and starts to get up, but the beast jumps on him, tearing a big gash into his back.

There’s a loud shout from beside him and the werewolf is thrown off of him. Cas quickly scrambles for his crossbow and flips over onto his back, ignoring the searing pain and aims for the wolf, shooting it directly in the head. It doesn’t kill it, but it gives him enough time to grab his duffle again and reload his gun, getting to his knees as the beast gets up again and shooting it in the heart with the silver bullet. It lets out a shriek and collapses onto its side.

It’s over.

Castiel looks up from the beast to see Robert panting, holding the poker in a death grip. He looks as white as a ghost. Figuratively of course.

Cas pushes up from the ground slowly, gasping at the burn his back is causing. It’s too real. His breathing gets quicker as his dream is being played before his eyes.

Wings burning.

Everything hurting.

Cas is falling again.

He drops to his knees again and hunches over on himself. It burns. Everything burns. He’s vaguely aware of him shaking and Robert trying to get his attention. Castiel stares blankly and grabs at his wrist. The world goes in and out of focus for a few seconds until Cas is pushing his sleeve up and digging his nails into the cuts he made the day before, breaking them open. The world becomes clearer. It’s grounding him. He digs in a bit more until the burning in his back is being covered by the burning in his arm. Better. Enough.

Castiel takes a deep shuddering breath and cuts off whatever it is that Robert was saying.

“Duffle bag. Get the vodka and fishing line,” He says in a gruff voice, barely above a whisper.

Robert stares dumbfounded at the man in front of him. “Wha- what? Clarence, no. You need to go to a hos-“

“Robert! DO as I say!”

Robert jumps at the volume and does as he’s told.

Keeping the pressure on his wrist, Cas shimmies his jacket and shirt off, hissing, barely staying in reality. “ Do you know how to sew?”

Robert looks confused as he brings the items requested. “Uhh yeah? What does th-“

“I need you to pour the vodka on my back and sew it up.”

“What!? I-I ca-“

“ROBERT. JUST DO IT.”

Robert gulps and gets behind Cas. He’s hesitant and looks up at Cas’ hair. “Do I really have to-“

“Robert, please,” Cas half shouts. He can feel the pain trying to overwhelm him. He grips his wrist tighter, the blood now seeping into his jeans. “I- I can’t do it myself.”

Robert nods and gulps again, lifting the bottle with shaking fingers. He begins to pour it on Cas’ back, but stops at the sudden sob that comes from him.

“No! Keep going!” Cas cries. Robert does and Castiel shoves his hand into his mouth to keep from shouting again.

Using the needle already attached to the line, Robert makes short work of Cas’ back, sewing him up quickly with his shaking hands. Castiel bites through the skin of his hand, trying not to cry but failing miserably. When it’s finally done, he sits there, shaking. Robert rubs a gentle hand on Cas’ shoulder and wordlessly offers what little vodka is left inside the bottle.

Castiel immediately takes it, ignoring the blood running down his shaking arm. He takes a big swallow, downing its contents and shivers. He stays like that for a few minutes until he feels ready to move. Cas all but crawls over to his duffle, grabbing a sweater that was kept at the bottom with his clothes. Very gently he pulls it over his head , hissing as it scraps against his back and stands up on wobbly legs.

Robert stands with him, eyes wide. “Clarence! Don’t try to move yet!”

Cas shakes his head, eyes squeezed shut and guestures the empty vodka bottle towards the dead werewolf next to them.

“We- we have to… to bury that.. Someone- someone might find it,” He says in a stuttering voice.

“Clarence-“

“Please, Ro-Robert. We- We gotta- gotta bury it. I’m fine. Had-had worse.”

Robert stares at him in disbelief but nods and goes over to the body. “We don’t have a shovel.”

Cas looks towards the barely noticeable lights of the shelter. “There?”

“Hmm maybe. I’ll run over and look. Stay here.”

Cas nods and collapses against a tree. He keeps the gun and crossbow near his side as Robert runs off in the direction of the house.

He rolls his sleeve back up to inspect the damage. Blood is coagulating into a scab on the now torn cuts, but other than them being wider than he remembered, they’re not that bad. Cas reaches in his bag and pulls out a cloth and water bottle, holding his arm out to clean it. It stings but that’s good. Anything to keep his mind off his back.

His hand isn’t so bad either. Just a few odd spots here and there along the teeth indention that broke open. He rips off the sleeve of the ruined jacket and wraps it tightly around his arm, just in case. Then he sits sideways against the tree, leaving his back to the air around him and waits. It doesn’t take long for Castiel to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this is bad. I have a very very vague direction that I'm taking this. I'm not even planning. Just kind of seeing where my keyboard takes me. I had no idea I was going to make Robert and Rose actual real characters. They were just kind of there to fill space xD Oh well We'll see how this goes.


	3. Chapter Three

** Chapter Three. **

The dream. It’s happening again. Only this time, the pain is more real. The screams he tries to shout are heard. Pain and agony is surrounding him and he can finally scream.  He falls to the ground so much faster than before, his voice getting hoarse. Then suddenly his body is shaking and face is stinging and Cas is opening his eyes to a very concerned expression on Robert’s face. He’s saying something, but Cas can’t hear him, all he hears is the blood rushing in his ears and his screams. He’s being pulled up from the ground and the pain lessens a bit. Cas takes a deep shuddering breath and tries to focus on his surroundings.

Trees. Werewolf. Back. Pain. Robert. Pain.

Castiel pushes Robert off of him and rubs the tears out of his eyes. He can hear Robert babbling now.

“-kay? Clarence? You’re scaring me. I got the shovel. Are you alright?”

Cas nods and stands up on shaky legs. “’m fine. Give me that,” he says in a weak voice and grabs the shovel from Roberts hands.

It’s more difficult than normal for Cas to dig the hole he needs. Every time he tries, his back aches, and Cas wants to scream again. He suddenly feels like crying.

Robert walks up to him slowly and takes the shovel out of Cas’ now weak fingers. “Here. Let me do it. Please. You’re in no condition to.”

“But-“

Robert cuts off his protest with a hand. “Look. I just helped you kill a werewolf. A _WEREWOLF._ Let me do this before I think about it too much and drive myself insane. Besides, you’ll just hurt your back more. Just stay there. I got this.”

Cas begrudgingly nods. It doesn’t take Robert long to dig the shallow grave and he soon pushes the beast in with the shovel and buries it. They burry Cas’ shirt and the rest of his jacket with it too since he won’t be needing it.

Robert helps Cas pack all the stuff up and they slowly head towards the house. The cops are still there. Cas nudges Robert to the back of the house and shakes his hand. Robert stares at him confused.

“I have to go. I can’t be here when they start searching the place. Thank you for helping me tonight.”

Robert shakes his head. “No, I’ll come with you.”

“But-“

“Nope. I’m coming. Besides I don’t know if you’re going to pass out or not.”

“I’m not-“

“I don’t care. And now that I know Werewolves are real, I need you to tell me about other monsters. Annnd you need someone to help you out.”

Cas rolls his eyes. “I don’t need help-“

“Says the guy that just almost had a panic attack. Look, I promise I won’t get in the way. And- and I have some money! Not much, But I’ve been saving since I’ve been here. We can go rent a motel room! Come on, Please, Clarence. I really don’t want you to go off on your own.”

Cas stares at the ground, thinking. He knows it’d be better to have a partner. But what if he gets Robert killed? He’s not looking to hunt, but he’ll help if he’s in the area. Cas sighs and stares at his hands.

“… It’s Cas.”

Robert looks confused. “What?”

“If… If you’re going to come with… You should know my name. My name is Cas.”

Robert nods. He smiles and puts a hand on Cas’ shoulder. “It’s nice to meet you Cas. Now let me go get my things. I’ll be right back.”

It’s not long before they’re walking side by side down the road to the nearest motel.

The days seem to pass in a blur for Castiel. He and Robert stay in the hotel for a few days before hustling enough money to hitch a ride out of Kansas. Or well, Robert hustles. Cas is aggravated by everyone’s skill at bluffing. Must be something to do with him once being an angel.

Robert is cooking a hearty meal of Chicken Ramen Noodles when Cas comes through the door of their latest motel deep within the state of Nebraska. Cas flumps down onto a chair the motel provided, fighting off a wince at the sudden pressure on his back. He keeps trying to forget about that. He holds out the forty bucks he made that night wordlessly and Robert puts it in the Lock box they found while waiting for the water to boil.

“Bad night?” Robert asks, glancing at Cas.

Cas rolls his eyes. “Bad week. I seem to not be getting any better at lying.”

Robert chuckles. “That’s not necessarily a bad thing man. That’s actually kind of admirable.”

Cas grunts.

Placing the noodles in, Robert sits down next to Cas. It’s the first night they’ve been on their own since arriving to Nebraska. Robert takes a deep breath and Cas knows exactly what is coming.

“So. What other kinds of monsters are there?” Ahh there it is.

Castiel Sighs. He opens his mouth, Ready to drone out a list but then blinks. “Anything you can think of,” he says instead.

Robert simply nods, sitting back in his chair.

“Annnd do we know how to kill them?”

“Most of them. And if not, there are people we can call to find out.”

Robert gets up to take the noodles off, preparing them in bowls. “People? So I guess there’s like a club of secret monster hunters?”

Cas almost laughs. “Basically.”

Cas refuses the soup as Robert sits back down with his own bowl.

“Can I ask you a personal question?”

Cas shrugs.

“Were you always by yourself? I’ve seen you sleep… I know you have nightmares.”

Castiel looks away. “Don’t ask about that.”

They sit in silence for a while.

Castiel is thankful for it.

But of course he never gets to be happy.

“Who were they. The people you lost.”

Dropping his head, Cas sighs, but figures he might as well be co-operative if they were to travel together. “Dean and Sam Winchester. And I didn’t lose them.. Dean he- He moved on. They didn’t need me anymore. Sam got hurt really bad and I… I did something by mistake and so I changed and I couldn’t fix Sam. So Dean got rid of me.”

It hurts so much more to say a loud. Human emotions are strange.

Robert nods, a look of curiosity in his eyes. Cas knows there’s more questions.

“What- what did you do?”

Castiel gulps. He isn’t if he should say this part. But why the hell not. He metaphorically throws caution to the wind and stares Robert in the eyes. “I let heaven fall. And because of that I almost let Sam get killed. I was an angel designed to serve and protect heaven and it’s creations and I destroyed it.”

Robert nearly drops the bowl. “Wait.. You’re an- an angel?”

“Was. Metatron ripped out my grace and I fell with the rest of the angels.”

“I don’t want to believe you but.. well everything else you’ve said sounds true… and that werewolf…” Robert’s eyes unfocused for a second but he quickly shakes his head, getting back on point. “And so this Dean guy told an angel to fuck off? Wow. He’s going to hell.”

“Cas cracks a sad smile. “He’s already been. I gripped him tight and raised him from perdition. Dean and I have been through a lot together.”

Robert looks unbelieving for a second. “You raised him from hell and he _kicks you out!?_ Guy must be an asshole.”

Cas looks to the ground, the smile now lost. “Dean is a great man. One of the purest souls I have ever seen. He just- His family has been through a lot and now without my grace, there isn’t much I can do for him. He’s already done so much for me already. I could never blame him for only doing what’s logical. I was wasting space. Eating the food that should have been going to help strengthen Sam. It makes perfect sense.”

Robert shakes his head. “No! You guys were friends, right? He shouldn’t have kicked you out like that! That’s really messed up. Did you ever ask him why he kicked you out?”

Cas is staring at Robert with a defeated expression. He needs to get out of here. Too many thoughts of Dean and falling.

“If you asked me, I’d say the guy is a bonified assh-“

“Shut up!” Cas is suddenly shouting, jumping up from his seat. His eyes are wild and body is shaking. If Robert didn’t know any better, he’d say they guy was going to knife him.

“Don’t talk about Dean Winchester that way. He is a righteous man. He did everything he could to help me. He spends every waking minute fighting off evil to save people like you. So you don’t have the right to judge him.”

Cas feels the tears prickling and storms over to the bed to grab his sweater and slams the door shut to the motel as he stomps across the parking lot. He regrets yelling at Robert, but not for defending Dean. Dean had his reasons, Cas knows this,. He wouldn’t of kicked Cas out of the bunker unless he absolutely had too. He even paid for Cas’s phone still.

Castiel Crouched in-between a space between the wall of the motel and a wooden fence, hind from the world. His arm is already shaking as he rolls his sleeve up. It’s been days since his last cut and Cas is feeling the pull of his addiction. Thoughts of Dean swirl around his head as he pulls out his angel blade.

Dean could never love him. Not with all the wrong he’s caused. Every single time Cas tries to help he always manages to fuck it up somehow. Fist his deal with Crowley, then the Leviathans, then his reigns as god, Sam’s head, purgatory, trusting Metatron, heaven falling… He wasn’t even sure why the Winchesters put up with him.

He barley felt the first cut so Cas made another and then another until he finally began to feel the sharp sting that he craved. If only Dean was to find him like this… Crying behind a building with his blood rolling down his arm, shaking. Dean would think he was pathetic. Just a ‘Baby in a trench coat’.

Once his arm was littered with fresh cuts, was Cas able to breath properly. He sat there, watching the blood dry and wiped his tears. It took another ten minutes until he was able to roll his sleeve back down and stand up on shaking legs.

Making his way back to the motel room was another difficulty as his legs kept feeling like they were going to collapse.

When he arrived, Robert was still sitting in his chair, but something was in his hands.

Cas’s cell phone.

When Cas walked in, Robert’s eyes shot up to meet Cas’, only to look back down, ashamed. “I-I wasn’t snooping, I swear! But uh… well Dean called. He sounded really worried Cas. I don’t think you know the whole story! I told him where we are and-“

“ _WHAT??_ ” Cas’s eyes bugged out of his skull and he ran forward to snatch his phone back. Sure enough there was an address attached to a text message under Dean’s name. Cas threw his phone down and shook in a quiet rage. Robert tried to place a hand on his shoulder but Castiel flinched away. “Don’t touch me,” he growled. “The last thing I wanted was for Dean to see me like this and you just ruined everything! He’s going to see how weak I am and-“

“Hey hey hey, you’re not weak, you took down a werewolf! And-“

Cas turned around and pushed Robert away from him. He went to his bed, packing his things away and heaving his duffle bag onto his shoulder.

“Wait- wh- where are you going!? Dean said he was on his way!”

Cas huffs. “Exactly. I’m not going to be here when he gets here.”

“Can’t you just talk to him! Maybe he can give you that reason for why he kicked you out!”

Cas shook his head. “I know why! I messed up! I got Sam in danger! He didn’t need me!”

“Then why did he sound like he was trying so desperately to find you?”

Cas shakes his head again, hating himself as he feels tears gather. “He didn’t. If he really wanted to find me, he’d of called me sooner.”

That’s when Robert ducked his head. “Uhh actually, you didn’t have your sim card in right. I uh… I was wondering what Dean looked like so I uhh I was looking through your phone and it told me there was no sim card so I looked and it was upside down. So I fixed it and that’s when he started calling.”

Cas tilts his head confused. “Sim card? I don’t understand.”

“Cas, look at your phone, the missed calls.”

Cas does and gasps. There are over eighty missed calls and about two hundred messages. All within the course of a few months.

“I-I I still don’t understand…”

Robert, places his hand on Cas’s shoulder and this time Cas doesn’t flinch away. “It means he was looking for you dude. I say you should at least stay and talk to him. And if you don’t like what he has to say, then leave. No one is saying you have to go back with him.”

Cas is already nodding, sitting on his bed. He’s scrolling through the messages, eyes unbelieving.

_‘Cas where are you man? Are you okay? I’d really like to talk to you.’_

_‘Hey it’s been a few days. I’ve tried calling.. You okay man?’_

_‘Cas…’_

_‘Look if you’re mad at me I understand but please man, let me know you’re all right.’_

_‘Cas.’_

_‘Castiel.’_

_‘This really isn’t funny Cas. We lost Kevin… I don’t know what to do, I could really hear from you right now.’_

_‘Cas please. You could just call and hang up. Send me a blank message. ANYTHING.’_

_‘This silence is deafening…’_

_‘I’m sorry Cas, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have ever let you leave the bunker. I was so mean to you. You didn’t deserve that, after everything you did for us. Did for me. You gave up heaven to be with me. Cas I’m sorry. Please talk to me. Please.’_

_‘Hope you’re doing alright.’_

_‘Cas.’_

Castiel is crying as he holds his phone with shaking fingers. He did it again. He put Dean through needless suffering. Cas is trembling so much he can no longer read the messages and drops the phone. Robert helps him lie down on his side before he falls over. It’s shameful, Cas thinks, that Robert has to see him like this but it seems the more Cas tries to stop crying, the faster the tears fall.

Robert hovers awkwardly and pulls some covers over Cas, petting his head to calm him down. Eventually the tears do stop and Cas is left as a shuddering, wet mess, clinging to the blanket as a life line.

“H-hey… Are uh… are you okay now?” Robert asks hesitantly, glancing unsure at Cas.

Cas nods his head in a jerky motion and bites his lip. “Yeah… Yeah I’m fine. I’ll… I’ll stay. Until dean gets here,” he says, his voice barely above a whisper and rough around the edges.

Robert nods and wishes Cas a good night. But Cas doesn’t sleep that night.


	4. Chapter Four

**_ Chapter Four. _ **

The morning was filled with silence.

Before Robert woke up, Cas got up to change the bandages on his back and to check on his cuts he made the night before. Nothing looked infected so he left them alone, slipping his sweater back on making sure to grab his phone, Cas quietly crept out of the motel room.

 It was peaceful in the mornings, without all the distractions of the world getting in the way. Cas tossed his phone in the air as he walked around the town, not exactly sure what he should do. He was tempted to call Dean, but then what. Tell him he’s sorry he was too stupid to notice the sim card was in wrong?

Cas kicked at the ground. Dean would think of him pathetic if he saw him this way. Cas longed for his flight suddenly. If only he could fly away, avoid his feelings for Dean as he had always done. When you always had the option to escape, confronting things were so much easier.

Staring at the morning birds take off, Cas sighed. At least he would have his memories.

Cas wasn’t sure for how long he walked but eventually his back began to ache and his head pounded from exhaustion.  He looked at the world around him and sighed. He’d never truly belong here. Not really. He was just a broken angel stuck in a stolen body. Strangely enough, the one thing Cas wants most right now is his old ratty trench coat.

He returned to the motel room, collapsing on his bed onto his side with a sigh. Robert was already up, reading a book he had took from the shelter.

Robert hesitantly looked up at Cas. “Are you still mad at me…?”

Cas sighs again and shuts his eyes, rubbing at his temple. A move so human it surprised him even though he’s been human for months now. “No... I can’t keep running from everything…  although…” Cas looked up at Robert. “Please do refrain from searching through my phone again.”

Robert smiles. “Sure thing! Sorry again.”

Cas nods and curls under his blanket, feeling drained from all the emotions coursing through him all night. Just on the brink of sleep, his phone gives out a loud shrill as an engine rumbles outside. Castiel sits up immediately, staring terrified eyes at the door.

Robert looks out the window and looks back at Cas. “A red Toyota?”

Cas sighs and falls back on the bed. “No…”

His phone keeps ringing.

Pulling it from his pocket, Cas sees that even though Dean is not outside, he is indeed calling. Biting his lip again, Cas glances back at Robert. “Could- could you… I can’t answer it…”

Robert gives Cas a sympathetic look that crawls underneath Cas’s skin and grabs the phone from him.

Robert stares at Cas a moment longer and then answers it, putting it on speaker phone.

“Cas? Cas is this you?” Cas fights in the gasp as Dean’s voice fills the air. He feels goosebumps rise on his skin and stares at the phone intensely.

“Uh-uhh n-no. It’s just me. Robert again Cas is uh he’s sleeping.”

There’s a moment of silence before Dean speaks again. “Oh. Uhh okay. So I’m about twenty minutes away. I just… I just really wanted to talk to Cas but I guess if he’s sleeping I can… I can talk to him later…”

Cas moves to the edge of his bed making quick hand motions for Robert to keep Dean on the phone.

“A-Are you sure? I could.. Uhh I could give you… directions?”

“Uhm that’s okay. Rob- Robert? That’s okay. I’ll just see him when I get there-”

“No!”

Robert stares at Cas and Cas gasps, covering his mouth.

The line is silent only for a moment.

“…Cas? Was that you?”

Cas shakes his head no, no more sound coming from his mouth.

“Cas, I know that was you. Come on man, just talk to me already.”

Robert jumps in finally, watching Cas closely. “Uhh n-no that wasn’t Cas. That was the- the TV. S-Sorry. He’s still asleep.”

Cas hears Dean sigh over the phone’s crackled speaker. “Right… Well when he _wakes up_ , tell Cas that I miss him. And I’m sorry for what I did.”

With that the line goes dead and a little piece of Cas’s heart falls off. He could really do with that trench coat right about now.

Twenty minutes went by much faster than one would think. The rumble of the Impala is unmistakable and Cas suddenly feels ashamed for confusing it for that truck earlier.

Robert looks at Cas in question and looks out the window. Before he has a chance to say what vehicle it is, Cas simply says “It’s him,” and then proceeds to stand awkwardly in the middle of the room.

Heavy boots approach the door which is then followed by three heavy knocks.

Cas is frozen.

Robert looks between Cas and the door and sighs, going to get it. More knocks are heard as Robert opens it.

Dean stands there with his arm still raised from knocking. His eyes immediately meet Cas’s.

Robert quickly steps aside to let Dean in as he pushes past him, headed straight for the broken angel. Castiel is still frozen, staring at Dean.

He stops right in front of Cas and Cas doesn’t know what to expect. They stare into each other’s eyes for a few moments until suddenly Cas is being wrapped up in Dean’s arms.

Dean holds Castiel’s face in his neck and lets out a shuddering breath. “Cas…,” he breath out and holds Cas tighter. Cas is shocked but is overcome with emotion and grabs onto the back of Dean’s jacket tightly, letting Dean’s hands guide him to him.

When Dean starts mumbling Cas’s name is when he breaks. Cas sags against Dean, feeling his tears rush out in huge waves. Dean just holds him, humming quietly in his ear.

Cas isn’t sure for how long he stays in Dean’s arms but at some point Robert has left and Dean has migrated them to sit on the floor, Cas all but crawling into his lap to be close to him.

Cas sits up, wiping fiercely at his eyes, which are now bloodshot and red, and stares at the floor, sitting next to Dean. “I’m sorry Dean. I don’t- I don’t know why I started crying.”

Dean laughs, but it sounds more broken that joyous. “It’s alright Cas. Just part of being human.”

Cas picks nervously at the edges of his sleeves on his sweater and looks anywhere but at Dean.

“Cas… You know I didn’t want to give you the boot, right?”

Cas nods mutely.

“Cas really.” Dean lifts Cas’s head up, making him meet his eyes. “Really. I know now it was a mistake. That’s why I was trying to get a hold of you.”

Cas nods again. “I know Dean… but it doesn’t change the fact that everything is my fault.”

“Wait- what?”

Castiel sighs and stands up, walking away from Dean and wrapping his arms around himself. “I’m of no use to you anymore, Dean. I know that now. I don’t have my grace anymore. I feel pain. I’m … I’m human. I… I understand, Dean. I really do.”

Cas is being turned around and Dean keeps his hands on his shoulders as he looks at him. “Cas, that’s not true at all. What happened to you out here? Why are you so…”

“Pathetic?” Cas supplies.

Dean shakes his head. “Defeated.”

“That happened a long time ago, Dean.”

That’s when Dean finally looks at Castiel. Really looks at him. For once looking past the dark circles and tired eyes. But at the missing spark and broken soul. Dean smiles a broken smile and drops his hands to hold Cas’s.

“I know. I was there. Sorry it took me so long to get my head out of my ass to notice though.”

Cas laughs weakly. “It’s okay.”

Dean sighs and pulls away from Cas, looking around the room. “Not bad for a motel. How long have you been here?”

“About two days.” Cas sits in a chair, still careful of his back.

“So.” Dean turns towards Cas, pulling the other chair opposite of Cas and sitting in it. “Why were you ignoring me?”

Cas flushes pink lightly and looks down at the floor.

“I uhh.. well Robert informed me that I had put the sim card in upside down and that’s why I didn’t get any of your texts or calls. I wasn’t aware you were trying to contact me.”

Dean looks scandalized. “You think I’d just kick you out and then not keep tabs on you?”

At Cas’s silence, Dean shakes his head. “Cas. I will always make sure you’re okay. I already told you, kicking you out of the bunker was a bad idea. I don’t care that you’re human now. You’re still my best friend and I’m not going to let you get killed too just because I’m being a jackass that week.”

“I’m sorry about Kevin…“

Cas winced at Dean’s gasp. “You know about that, huh?“

“Well you texted me about it… Once I fixed the phone, all of your messages came through.“

Dean nods, not looking at Cas. “Things have really gone to shit man. I made a mistake. And it cost Kevin his life and possibly my brother’s.“

Just then Robert stumbles back into the room, carrying groceries in his arms. He comes in smiling, but it drops at the tension in the room. “Uhhh I can just leave these here…“

Dean jumps up and helps pull them off of the man’s skinny arms. “No! That’s okay. I never got to officially meet you. I’m Dean. And I’m guessing you’re Robert?“

He nods, shaking Dean’s hand.

“Thanks for taking care of Cas for me, lord knows he can’t take care of himself.“

Hurt rings clear throughout Cas’s body at the statement but he keeps his mouth shut at Dean’s laughter.

Robert stammers and looks slightly embarrassed. “Well actually… Cas kind of saved me… I just kept an eye on him afterwards.“

At Dean’s confusion, Cas approaches their little group and explains the werewolf. Dean looks mildly impressed and Cas hates himself for the feeling of excitement at it being directed at himself.

But Dean’s look soon turns to worry when he finds out about the wound on his back. “Cas, what? Let me see. Are you okay?“

Cas backs away when Dean walks closer to him. “Dean, I’m fine. It’s already healing up, just leave it alone.“

Dean still approaches though until Cas is against a wall, nowhere else to go. Robert stand by the little table, looking uncomfortable.

“Dean, please. I don’t want you to see…,“ Cas says quietly, not looking at Dean and gripping his arms tight.

Dean looks more concerned and goes to touch Cas’s shoulder, but the man flinches away, into the wall. “Cas, please? Just your back. Is it that you don’t want to take your shirt off? Or are you ashamed at getting hurt? Dude you fought off a werewolf and survived. That’s pretty badass. I just want to take a look and make sure everything is okay. Please?“

Cas looks conflicted and bites his lip. On one hand, he knows Dean will only get more suspicious the more he fights. On the other, there’s no way Castiel can ever let Dean know about his other activities. Dean nudges Cas’s shoulder, pulling him from his thoughts and Cas knows he could never truly say no. But at least he can control what Dean sees.

He nods his head and turns around and shivers at Dean’s warm fingers gently lifting up the soft fabric of his sweater and loos t-shirt underneath. When Dean tries to take the whole thing off, Cas shakes his head and crosses his arms tighter around himself so Dean can’t. The other sighs and holds it up instead.

His fingers skirt over the awkwardly wrapped bandages and finds the tie, undoing them. Cas watches as the off white material falls on the ground. He helps hold his shirt up so Dean can use both hands to inspect the wound.

“These aren’t too bad,“ Dean says, suddenly a lot closer to Cas than he remembered. A hand runs gently up Cas’s back and along the cuts, Cas shivers and fights off a whimper wanting to escape his mouth.

“These aren’t sewn closed the best but it’ll do. I think before we leave though, I’d feel safer if you let me resew them up. We don’t have to break them open or anything, I just want to pop them and redo it. Maybe two or three stitches on each wound. It’s gonna hurt a bit though,“ Dean smiles ruefully, “but nothing a little whisky can’t help.“

Cas chuckles and turns around, dropping his shirt. “That sounds fi-,“ He’s stopped by how close dean is standing. How could he not feel the heat off of Dean on his back when he can feel it so powerful now? Their noses bump and Cas stares intensely at Dean, suddenly unable to move.

Dean grins.

“You’re staring again, Cas.“

Cas nods and unconsciously licks his lips. With Dean so close, he can smell the beer on his breath and the hint of old leather from the impala. These are the smells Cas wants to drown In forever. He wants to soak up everything Dean would give him and stay suspended in it for the rest of his life. Cas is pretty sure Dean is staring at his lips and Cas feels himself lean forward but a tad closer to where their noses pass each other and Cas can feel Dean’s breath on his lips. The feeling is euphoric. Has Dean’s eyes always been so green?

A clearing of the throat snaps them out of it, and Dean jumps back laughing nervously. Cas looks away, feeling ashamed and oddly used.

“Uhh Do you guys want me to step out a bit? Or do you mind if I start dinner,“ Robert asks, looking guilty at Cas, but Cas doesn’t notice. He’s too lost in his own thoughts.

Dean urges him to stay, barley casting Cas a glance and Cas feels a sickening dread drop in his stomach. He has to get out of here. Away from Dean, from Robert, from these feeling plaguing him… He needs to clear his mind the only way he knows how.

Cas pats his leg to make sure the angel blade is still there and ignores the two as he suddenly is heading towards the door. He hears Dean call after him, but his head is getting too heavy to process words. Cas half-heartedly mumbles out “I’m going out. I’ll be back later.“ before he slams the door shut behind him and takes off at a run.


	5. Chapter Five

**_ Chapter Five. _ **

Cas runs into the very sad excuse for woods until he’s gasping for breath. He falls to the ground and grips his chest. Dean almost kissed him. Cas feels warmth spread inside him at the thought. But what if he was over exaggerating things? Dean had jumped back when Robert had interrupted. Did he just feel bad for Cas? Cas replays Dean’s earlier comment in his head, feeling the tears well up.

_He can’t take care of himself._

No. Dean couldn’t share his feelings for him. Dean must have just felt sorry for him. Cas curses at himself for ever thinking Dean Winchester could like him and shivers as the tears fall down, making the wind bite his cheeks. Cas draws out his knife, rolling up his sleeve like ha has a thousand times before since becoming human.

He could never let Dean find him like this. Could never let Dean know. Cas makes a gash, letting a sob come out when it doesn’t help. He should be worried about him having to cut more and more each time, but it must just be a side effect of being broken. He cries so easily now than he did when he was an angel. Cas makes another cut, swallowing the tears that fall down his lips. It takes two more before he’s finally able to feel the slight sting in his arm, blood leaving freezing trails behind. He does one more to make sure the painful numbness stays and lays on the ground, curled up and crying.

There’s more blood than usual, but not enough to be particularly worried about. Cas feels safe here, surrounded by what makes him, him. He suddenly aches for his trench coat again. He seems to be thinking of it more and more lately. Maybe he’ll convince Robert to drive him to a store to purchase one. It’s not surprising when Cas falls asleep.

He must have been there for hours because when Cas wakes from his cold sweat he feels as if every bone in his body is frozen stiff. His arm isn’t bleeding anymore, but the blood crusting there is dirty and sending painful jolts when he tries to move. It takes a couple of tries to sit up properly, and Cas winces at the full body shiver that runs through him. He doesn’t try to stand up though. Just sits there, admiring the dark sky, mostly covered by trees. He feels at peace with the slow steady throbbing in his arm keeping the thoughts in his head at bay.

It’s not until he hears shouting that Cas notices how cold he really is. Dean and Roberts voices are heard clearly through the night, cutting through the silence in search of him. Cas barely gets his sleeve back down without shuddering. Standing takes more effort than he’s willing to admit and reinserting his angel blade into his leg pocket is nearly impossible. Yet somehow he manages it all and staggers towards the motel.

…If he could remember where it was…

Cas feels dread fill him again and swings his head around frantically. Feeling his heart race, Cas grabs his arm tightly, giving it a squeeze which shoots a sharp pain up his arm and into his head, calling him down. Cas can breathe easier again.

He can hear Dean and Robert still shouting, so he slowly staggers in their direction. He can’t feel his feet and his hands actually sort of burn for some odd reason. The tear tracks on his face are long gone now only leaving dirt to show where they were.

“CAS! Where are you!?“

That was Dean. Cas tries to call out but his voice is still hoarse from crying. Instead he keeps walking, being careful not to trip over anything. A hard thing to do in the dark, even with the moon out tonight.

The voices get louder and Castiel seems to shake more. He can’t control the full body shivers that overcome him. There isn’t one piece of him that doesn’t feel frozen.

Every step he takes is agony and Cas feels scared as he gets closer and closer to no longer being able to move. He tries to call out again but only a weak, rough call of Dean’s name comes out. There’s no way he heard that.

Cas collapses on the ground feeling defeated. Dean was right it seems. He really can’t take care of himself. He only came out here to clear his head and now he’s left waiting for Dean to find him, but a helpless child waiting for their parents to save them.

He calls out one more time, a little louder, and feels the tears fall again. He’s so pathetic. How was Cas supposed to fix heaven when he can’t even call for help.

A light passes over him, temporarily blinding him, and Cas freezes. Was that Dean? He tries to call out again and can’t help the feeling of hope when Dean calls back. The light sweeps over him again and comes back, stopping on him. Cas can’t see anything beyond it but he’s sure it’s Dean when the smell of leather and immense warmth is suddenly wrapped around him. Dean is saying something, but Cas can’t hear him over the sudden ringing that’s filled his ears. His arms are shoved through pockets of warmth that takes Cas a minute to realize is Dean’s jacket. He gasps when he is lifted off the ground and held against Dean who is like a walking furnace at the moment. Cas can still hardly move and lets his head flop against Dean’s chest as he is carried through the forest. He falls into a dazed state, going in and out of consciousness.

It’s only when the lights are too bright that Cas notices they’ve made it to the motel room. Dean is still talking but it’s to Robert who is staring at Cas like he might cry. Why would he cry?

Cas gasps when he’s put on the bed and Dean is taking off his shoes. Pain shoots up his legs and Cas can’t help the shout of pain come out. His hearing, though muffled, seems to be returning slightly.

“Sorry, Cas! But we gotta get these off. What were you even doing out there!? You could’ve froze to death! It’s damn near negative fifteen degrees!“ Dean sits Cas up and takes the jacket back off of him and Cas suddenly misses the warmth. When he tries to pull at the sweater, Cas has enough control to bat weakly at his hands. Dean relents and goes to pulling his pants off, only side glancing the still bloodied angel blade that falls out.

Robert comes in saying something about a bath and Cas is hauled up back into Dean’s arms in only a sweater, this shirt, and his boxers and carried into the bathroom. Cas doesn’t understand what’s happening but when he’s dropped carefully into the cold water, Cas yelps again, throat feeling raw, and clutches at Dean’s arms.

"Cas, Cas, it's okay. I promise, it's okay," Dean seems to be saying. Cas can feel his self-trembling, the water stinging his back where it soaks through his shirt but while focusing on Dean's words, he's distracted enough for Dean to be able to get Castiel fully into the tub.

It's not as cold as it was originally but Cas still shivers, wincing when his arms and head are shoved underwater for a few seconds.

When he comes back up he gasps for breath, still trying to cling to Dean.

"Cas," Dean seems to be saying. "Cas trust me. You're too cold, this will help just please work with me. Come on, Cas, you can let go. Just relax. I'll warm it up once you stop shaking so bad but you gotta relax."

Cas hears himself whimper as Dean pries his frozen fingers off of his arm. Dan moves a hand up to Cas's head to hold him steady and Cas can't help but lean back into it. Listening to Dean's voice soothes him like no other and Cas is finally sinking into the tub. He can feel the chill in his bones lessen slightly. His teeth stop chattering and his feet don't hurt so bad.

Dean sighs and starts to get up but Cas jerks towards him, a whine at his lips, and grabs Dean's shirt. Dean sighs again and sits back down. Looking to Robert Dean gestures towards the bigger room. "Can you go make him something warm to drink? Like hot chocolate or something? I know I saw some stuff for it in there, I'd do it but it looks like he isn't going to let me leave."

Robert nods and all but runs from the room.

It's quiet except for Cas's occasional shiver and shallow breathing. Dean reaches over to pour just a bit more hot water into the tub, making Cas sigh and lay back a little more than the tub should physically allow.

Cas looks at Dean, watching him sitting there and feels guilty.

In a tired and weak voice, Cas says, "you can go if you want to."

Dean jumps at the sudden noise and looks over at Cas. "Hmmm no. I'm fine."

"R-really Dean. It's fine. You're probably tired. I just make the water warmer when I get cold right?"

Dean shakes his head smiling and crosses his arms on the tub, laying his head on them and dips a few fingers in the water. "Not exactly. But it doesn't matter. I'm not leaving."

"But-"

Dean cuts him off with a look. "But nothing. You're hurt and I'm not leaving. That's final."

But then a look of insecurity crosses Dean's features and Cas feels horrible for putting it there. "Unless... Unless you want me to go-"

Before Dean has a chance to finish Cas is sitting up and shaking his head vigorously. "No! No i-i don't want you to leave. But... But I'm not forcing you to stay either." He lays back feeling embarrassed. "It's really just up to you."

Dean looks relieved and flicks some water up, looking at Cas. "Then I guess I'm staying."

They sit in silence until Robert returns with a mug of hot chocolate. Handing it to Cas, Cas smiles and sniffs it. "Thank you Robert." He takes a hesitant sip, eyes widening as he does.

Dean sits up more. "What is it Cas?"

Cas almost moans and tips his head back to chug the drink down. When done he sighs and wipes his mouth off. "Nothing is wrong. This was just very good. I think next time I'd like to try it with a burger."

Dean barks out a laugh and Cas feels warmed by it.

"Alright Cas. Anything you want."

The three sit in the room quietly chatting, carefully avoiding any accusations towards Cas. It seems to be unspoken that the topic won't be mentioned until the next day.

About an hour later Robert announces he'll be going to bed and Dean and Cas bid him goodnight. Dean drains the tub and Cas looks at him in confusion as his shuddering comes back in full.

Dean smiles and ruffles Cas's damp hair. "Calm down. I'm only going to refill it with some warmer water. Don't want you getting pneumonia."

Cas nods and pulls his knees to his body self-consciously as what Little clothes he's wearing seem to want to cling to every crevice of his body.

Castiel finds it interesting how as an Angel he didn't once feel self-conscious, but as a human he feels it in his soul every second of every day. He wonders if Dean ever gets like that. With a body like his, Cas can hardly imagine it. Especially with all the woman Dean seems to sleep with.

Dean cleared his throat, and Cas knew he was staring again.

"Sorry," he mumbles, half hiding his face from the cold and his embarrassment in his knees.

Now Dean is the one staring.

"You know, you're different. Than when you left the bunker."

Cas Tightens his arms. "A lot has happened since then." Yeah like the fact that I harm myself to feel less terrible, he thinks bitterly.

Dean starts filling the tub with much warmer water than before and Cas can feel the cold melting from his toes.

"Well," he says. "Tell me about it."

Cas looks up at him like he's grown a second head.

"Look Cas, I'm not going to force you, but you know... I am your friend so I'm here to listen. I know I can be a jackass at times but... I'm trying to fix that, okay? So if something is wrong, don't hesitate to talk to me. I'm not good at the chick flick crap but that doesn't mean I can't try."

Castiel can't believe half of the words coming from Dean's mouth. If he wasn't looking so uncomfortable yet sincere, a look only a human Dean could achieve, then Cas would assume he's not really Dean.

As the water fills up, Cas sits there staring at Dean. Finally he replies, "okay," in a whisper.

Dean nods and turns off the water once it reaches Cas's chin.

"Feeling better?" He asks

Castiel nods.

"I feel guilty."

They're both shocked by Cas's words. But Cas can no longer control what is coming from his mouth and looks down, letting himself speak.

"I feel guilty for letting Metatron manipulate me. And then for letting all the Angels fall. And for putting you and Sam in danger. I thought you had hated me but then you took me in and helped me out only to throw me back out again so I thought I had not only messed up being an Angel, but also being a human as well but then you show up here apologizing and telling me that I didn't do anything and so now mostly I just feel depressed and confused. And I don't know what to do about it. I didn't have these kind of problems when I was an Angel." Cas takes a deep breath and glances up at Dean only to find him staring. Cas tries to look away but as Dean comes to sit next to him, he can't take his eyes away.

Cas squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face more from Dean's view. "I'm sorry," he mumbles.

There's a hand in his hair, combing through the wet locks. "You need a hair cut."

Cas peeks over his knees at Dean. "What?"

"Well you want to learn how to be better at being human? We could start off by getting a haircut. We can go get you one tomorrow.”

“A haircut? Really Dean?”

“Yeah really, a haircut. I can't help with the guilt part, but I know how to be human."

Cas smiles, leaning into Dean's hand. "Where will we go to get my hair cut?"

Dean smiles back and continues to brush through Cas's hair, glad that the shaking has stopped. "Probably a mall would be the closest place. Why?"

Cas is suddenly shy again and doesn't meet Dean's eyes. "Nothing. Just wondering." He'll ask tomorrow.

Dean eyes Cas but nods, and stands up. “Well you should probably wash yourself but other than that I think you'll be okay. I'm going to step out. Just shout if you need anything. I'll set some clothes for you by the door."

Cas nods his thanks and after Dean leaves he strips and cleans himself, taking special care of the new cuts he made. He would regret them but without, he and Dean would not have shared that moment. But was that a moment? Or was Dean just being a friend.

It didn't take long for Cas to wash and once he was done, he reached over to pull the plug and stood on shaky legs, being careful not to fall when climbing out.

Cas opens the bathroom door, sticking his head out and sees Dean on the phone facing the other direction. On the floor is a pile of clothes that look like his so he pulls them in.

A sweater, boxers, sweat pants, and... and Dean's jacket. Cas smiles. He slips everything on easily enough and breaths in the smells of Dean’s jacket again before walking out of the bathroom. He’s pleasantly warm after the bath and being under all those layers.

Dean’s back is turned from him, still on the phone. As Cas walks up to him, he can catch Dean’s bits of the conversation.

“Yeah. I know. No, He’s alright, Sammy. Yes. Yes I stayed with him. I don’t know. Yeah. Alright. I’m not buying crap, Sam. Okay. Yeah yeah- Shut up! Okay okay.” Dean catches Cas’s eye and winks. Cas looks away, hoping Dean doesn’t catch his blush. “Hey Sam- Sam I- Sam! Yeah, Cas is out, I gotta go. Yeah. Yes. I will! You’re not my mom! Yes! By- No Sam, Bye.” Dean hangs up the phone before Sam has a chance to get in another word. He rubs the back of his neck and Cas pulls the jacket a little tighter around him. “Sam says hi. He was kind of worried.”

Cas nods. “Tell him I said Hello.”

Dean nods and swings an arm around Cas’s shoulders. “Do you want to take a walk?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one was so long xD It was actually longer but I thought it should stop now or else I won't have anything for chapter six xD Hope you enjoy :) Next chapter will be big ;3


	6. Chapter Six

__****Chapter Six.

 

The question surprises Cas but he nods anyways, going to get his shoes and socks from the floor where Dean had left them. Dean puts his on as well and goes over to the door to hold it open for Cas. After walking outside in the negative degree weather, both Dean and Cas shiver.

 

“Shit… maybe a walk isn’t such a good idea.”

 

Cas ducks his still wet head and shivers. “D-Do you want your jacket back?”

 

Dean shakes his head and reaches in the pocket of the jacket, grabbing his keys. He grabs Cas by his elbow and pulls him over towards the Impala and pushes him in. Fumbling with the keys, Dean slams his door shut and turns the key in the ignition to keep the car off but so he can turn on the heater, Zeppelin playing a low volume.

 

Cas stares at Dean, burrowing himself into the jacket. Dean stays silent for a few seconds but then looks over at Cas. “I don’t know how close you are to the Robert guy, but I figured you’d rather have this conversation in private.”

 

Cas lifts his head, confused, and tilts it. “Robert? We’re simply friends. I met him at my last shelter. Why would we need to talk in private? Is something wrong, Dean?”

 

“I don’t know. You tell me?”

 

Cas stares at Dean a few seconds longer, before grasping where Dean was taking this conversation. He sighs and sits back against the seat, staring ahead at the dirty grey walls of the motel.

 

“I’m fine, Dean. Nothing is wrong.”

 

“Really.” Dean is obviously in a take no shit mood.

 

“Yes really, Dean. Nothing is the matter,” Cas says, with a bit more bite than he meant to. But he can’t let Dean find out. No matter what the cause. He couldn’t handle bringing another burden into Dean’s life.

 

Dean sighs and rubs his temples. He’s probably tired, Cas thinks. It is about two in the morning. Idly, Cas wonders why he feels exhausted yet not at the same time. Human emotions are strange.

 

“Look Cas. I need to know what’s going on, Man. I’m worried about you. You just took off into the woods at night and then stayed there until you nearly freaking froze to death!”

 

“Don’t be dramatic,” Cas rolls his eyes. “I was not going to freeze to death. And I didn’t mean to stay out that long.”

 

“Well why did you go in the first place? And there was blood on your angel blade. Did something attack you?”

 

Cas freezes up, which was his mistake. Now Dean knows what to focus on.

 

“Something did, didn’t  it. Did you get hurt? Is that why you won’t take your shirt off? What’s been haunting you, Cas? Have the Angels found you?”

 

Cas shakes his head. “No! No I… A- a boar. A boar attacked me. Uhh but I uh. I stabbed it.”

 

Dean raises an eyebrow. “A boar. And you stabbed it. Then please, tell me. Where is the body of this boar?”

 

Cas stammers. “Uhh St-still in the w-woods? It-… It ran off. After. After I stabbed it.”

 

Now Dean rolls his eyes. “Cas, you’re a terrible liar, and you know it. What really happened.”

 

Cas shakes his head again. “I told you! Nothing! Nothing happened, Dean!”

 

“Then why was there blood on your blade!? And why won’t you take your shirt off!?”

 

Dean was in Cas’s face, shouting the questions at him. Cas keeps shaking his head, refusing to look Dean in the eye.

 

Suddenly, Dean is grabbing at Cas, pushing him against the door and trying to shove his jacket off of him to get to the hem of his sweater up. Cas yelps and tries to push Dean off of him.

 

“Damnit, Cas! I’m worried, just let me see!”

 

“No! No get off of me!” Cas gets his legs underneath Dean but it doesn’t do anything as the older Winchester finally gets a hold of Cas’s hands and holds them above his head, jacket hanging off of one arm and gets in between his legs so he can’t kick at him.

 

Dean gets the sweater up Cas’s chest but doesn’t see anything. Confused, he looks at Cas. “There’s nothing here?”

 

Cas looks away from Dean so he hopes he can’t tell  the lie. “I told you! There’s nothing!”

 

A look of realization comes across Dean’s face and he glances up at Cas’s arms. “Unless…”

 

He goes to pull the sweater up and off Cas’s head, but only manages to get it to his neck before Cas suddenly bursts into tears. He hangs his head, tears dripping off his face, and chest heaving in great sobs that shake his body. Dean stops in fear and loosens his grip on Cas enough where Cas rips his hands from Dean and holds his arms tight to his chest. Dean sits back, not knowing what to do.

 

Gasping in air, Cas forces himself to calm down, wiping his face angrily and hiccupping. He glares up at Dean with red rimmed eyes.

 

“Cas I… I’m sorry. But I need to know you’re alright. You know I wasn’t trying to hurt you, right?”

 

Cas looks away and nods, arms still held tightly to his chest. “I know,” he says in a whisper. “I know, I just- you can’t see. I promised myself I’d never let you see.”

 

“See what? Cas, please. I won’t get upset, just show me.” Dean leans forward, still between Castiel’s legs, but stops when Cas tries to move further back against the door of the Impala. He shakes his head again.

 

“No, Dean. I can’t show you. Please just leave it alone. I’m fine.”

 

“No you’re not!” Dean shouts, so Cas shouts back.

 

“Yes Dean! I am!”

 

“Then why won’t you show me your arms!?”

 

“Because!”

 

“Because why!?”

 

“Because then you won’t want me!”

 

All is silent except for Cas’s sudden intake of breath as he covers his mouth.

 

Dean Sits back again, staring at Castiel. “What did you say?”

 

Cas squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head. “Nothing! I didn’t say anything!”

 

He leans forward and tries to grab hold of Castiel’s chin, but Cas flips around, opening the door and stumbles out of the car, Dean’s jacket still only hanging on by one arm and sweater disheveled.

 

Dean jumps out, turning the car back off and runs up to Cas before he has a chance to run off. He grabs his shoulders and turns him around, locking him in place like a vice when Cas tries to shove him off. “Cas Calm down! What did you mean by I wouldn’t want you?” He says in a gruff voice, forcing Cas to stay still.

 

Cas closes his eyes again and hangs his head. “I- If you saw… you’d see how pathetic and broken I am.”

 

Dean could barely hear him, but still heard him none the less. Dean frowns and lifts Cas’s head up and pull the jacket up, putting Cas’s arm back through it, and hugs him to his chest, starting to shiver from the cold again. “Cas, I will always want you. I will never think of you as pathetic. And as for broken? Well, I’m a little broken too, you know. So… I mean… ugh- Cas what I’m trying to say is… maybe we could be broken together. If- if you want to. You could come back to the bunker with me. And I could help you. That’s all I want to do, Cas. I don’t want to hurt you. I’ll never hate you, Cas.”

 

Cas turns his head into Dean’s neck, laying his forehead on Dean’s shoulder. “But after Metatron-”

 

Dean tightens his arms a second. “I was a douche for kicking you out. I know that now. It wasn’t your fault Metatron fucked you over. You needed me and I wasn’t there. But from now on Cas,” He grabs Cas by his shoulders and pulls him away, looking him in the eyes. “From now on, I swear. I’ll always be there for you. Cas, I just got you back and I’m not going to let you go. I don’t care if Metadouche comes blazing in demanding for you, I’ll protect you. You got that? I need you Cas.”

 

Castiel feels tears build at his eyes but he shakes them off. Now is not a time for crying. He nods, rendered speechless and hug Dean again, trembling. He wishes he can say more, but Cas finds that his throat is closed up from emotions. Even though he meant to fight it, a couple tears do actually escape, but they disappear into the fabric of Dean’s shirt as quickly as they came.

 

Dean sighs and moves his hands down to Cas’s hips, pulling him away again and grabbing his hands. “Now will you please show me your arms?”

 

Cas can see the immense worry and pleading in Dean’s eyes but he can’t. He shakes his head again, feeling the crushing guilt again, filling every part of him at denying Dean such a request. Dean looks like he’s about to scream again.

 

But he doesn’t. Instead he nods and holds Cas to his chest again, rubbing his back gently through the jacket. The wounds on Cas’s back irritate a bit, but it’s more pleasant than painful.

 

“Okay,” He whispers. “Just promise me that you’ll show me soon?”

 

Cas shakes his head. “I’m sorry Dean. I can’t promise anything. I just- I can’t. M-maybe… but- I- I couldn’t handle-“

 

“Shhh shh, Angel. It’s okay. Just breathe. You don’t have to show me. Just keep it in mind.” Cas glows at the nickname and nods against Dean, taking a deep breath.

 

He feels Dean shiver and turns his head, trying not to react at how close his face is to Dean’s again. “Dean, you’re cold. We should go back inside.”

 

Dean reluctantly nods. “Yeah… I guess we’ll talk more tomorrow. Come on.” He grabs Cas’s hand, and Cas feels his stomach flip at the squeeze it’s new but Cas has decided it’s a good thing.

 

They go inside and Dean sits Cas down on his mattress and leans down to take off Cas’s shoes. He tries to take the jacket off of Cas but Cas shakes his head. “No I- I want to sleep with it.” At Dean’s raised eyebrow, Cas blushes. “T-to keep the cold away.”

 

“Right.”

 

Cas lays down and gets underneath the blankets.

 

Dean takes off his own shoes and steals a chair cushion and lays on the floor next to Cas’s bed. “Pass me a blanket will you?” Dean asks. Cas waits a moment before poking his head over the edge.

 

“Dean?” He asks in a hesitant voice.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I uhm- there’s something I forgot to mention.”

 

“Oh yeah? And what’s that.”

 

Cas looks to the side, feeling Dean’s eyes on him. “I- I have nightmares. Well, one nightmare. Where I’m Falling. My wings are burning off. But I can’t make any noise. And it hurts so bad and I’d wish it would stop but it doesn’t and I try to scream but I can’t and just before I land, I wake up.”

 

Dean is sitting up now, staring at Castiel.

 

Cas takes a deep breath and closes his eyes for a few seconds, calling on the courage of the solider he once was. He looks at Dean and swallows at the beautiful green eyes watching him. “Could you- could you protect me from them tonight Dean?”

 

Dean smiles softly. Cas has never seen that expression on Dean’s face before. Dean stands up and climbs into the small twin size bed and gets under the blankets, holding Cas to his chest again. Their legs tangle and chests bump, and it’s the sweetest feeling Cas has ever felt, he has to blink a few times to make sure it’s real. He is enveloped in Dean’s warmth and he could’ve sworn he felt a kiss pressed to the top of his head which is pressed tightly underneath Dean’s chin.

 

“Yeah, I’ll protect you Cas.”

 

They fall asleep to the rise and fall of each other’s chests.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm not dead! Sorry for the long wait, my laptop crashed and I had the story only on it. So I had to wait until my friend got a chance to get the hard drive out and dig out the memory. I think... I'm not exactly computer savvy xD Sorry. Basically, my laptop stopped working so I had to wait for my friend to fix things. And then I had to find my kindle, which is what I'm using now, so I could post the next chapter. I have eight nearly done as well, just touching it up a bit and adding a few things. And I'm starting on Nine right after. Sorry again, Well here you go! Fingers crossed that my other technology doesn't crap out on us x3

**_ Chapter Seven. _ **

Cas didn’t dream that night. Instead of the tossing and turning Cas had grown used to these past few months, Cas felt safe and warm throughout the night. He woke up to Dean’s soft breathing against his forehead and tight arms wrapped around his middle, careful of his back. Cas leaned back enough to loosen Dean’s arms so he could get a proper view of his face. Dean looked peaceful. Content. His freckles stood out more than normal in the morning light, pale skin almost glowing. His hair was all sleep rumpled and Cas wanted nothing more than to run his hand through it.

Even as an angel, Cas had loved watching Dean sleep, but this was different. As an angel, Cas loved it because Dean’s soul was finally able to rest when he was unconscious. His hazardous thoughts and emotions could be put to rest and Dean would be calm and peaceful. Now as a human, Cas thought Dean was most beautiful like this. The only thing missing were his Emerald Green eyes.

Cas ran a hand softly up from where it was pressed against Dean’s chest to cup Dean’s face. Dean’s lips were partly open, nothing abnormal about them, but Cas was so enraptured by them, he didn’t notice when Dean’s breathing pattern changed and his eyes slid open.

Cas leaned forward a tad, eyes wide and breath labored. He wanted to kiss Dean unlike any other time when the thought might have occurred. He got as close as a breath away and very lightly ran a finger over Dean’s bottom lip. The shiver that ran through Dean intrigued Cas and he wanted his lips to be the cause of that. Cas barely touched his lips to Dean’s, just a buzz of connection when he felt the wave of guilt over come him.

What was he doing!? Dean was asleep! What if he didn’t want this!

Cas was paralyzed on the spot, not sure whether to proceed or to pull away.

He didn’t get the option to choose though when suddenly the arms around him tightened and Cas’s body was pulled against Dean’s and Dean’s lips closed the remaining space between them.

Cas squeaks but Dean only kisses him harder. His hands go underneath Cas’s sweater and his jacket, pushing against his lower back, just below his wound. Cas grips Dean’s shirt with both hands and gasps when Dean swipes a tongue across his bottom lip. Dean makes a noise that sends a jolt through Cas and his tongue pushes past Cas’s lips, stealing Cas’s breath away. Cas wants more and he isn’t sure what it is though and lets Dean guide him.

Hands run up his sides, gripping Cas and rolling him onto his back. Dean gets on top of him. Knocking Cas’s legs apart, Dean gets between them and presses his tongue to the roof of Cas’s mouth, licking it slowly. Cas makes a noise he’s never heard before and tries to do the same to Dean but Dean just chuckles and kisses him in a way that leaves Cas weak and breathless, eyes sliding shut and rolling towards the heavens.

Dean’s hands run further up his sides and thumbs at Cas’s nipples for a few seconds going back outside of his sweater to hold Cas’s hands above his head like in the car. Castiel trembled beneath Dean, feeling nothing like this before. Dean slid his hands onto Cas’s wrists and squeezed, sending a sharp pain down his arm. Cas gasped but Dean kept kissing him. He slid a knee against Cas’s crotch, rubbing against him. Then suddenly the kissing stopped and Cas opened his eyes to find Dean staring at his arms. Without Cas noticing, his sleeves had been pushed down to expose the worst of his scars over the months that he had made. Cas tried to push Dean off of him but Dean only sat up, yanking Castiel up as well by his hands.

“What the hell is this!? Is this what you were fucking hiding from me!?”

“Dean-“

“No! No Cas, you don’t get to speak. After everything we went through, you think you have the right to do this to yourself?” Dean jumps off of Cas and starts tugging his boots on.

Cas stands up, tears in his eyes. “Dean I-“

“What did I say!?” Dean glares at him like he’s disgusting. “And to think I kissed you just to find that out. Disgusting.”

“You- You used m-“

Dean stood up, practically towering over Cas and smirked. “Used you? Well yeah. Why would I _ever_ want to kiss you. You’re pathetic and weak. Just a sad little broken angel.”

Cas shook his head, tears now falling. “But Dean you said-“

Dean rolls his eyes. “I was only saying that to get you stop crying like a baby. I thought that was obvious. I guess you were too wrapped up in your stupid little pity party.” Cas tries to reach out for Dean but Dean slaps his hand away and grabs the coat off of him roughly. “No wonder the angel’s kicked you out. I mean first you trust Metatron and kick them all out, and now you’re over here trying to kill yourself. Maybe you should die. Sure would make mine and Sammy’s life easier.”

Cas can hardly breathe. His head is pounding and his eyesight is becoming blurry. The ground feels like it’s shaking as Dean shouts at him.

Dean smirks and leans forward, stealing one final kiss from Cas. “No one could ever love a Fallen Angel. If God didn’t want you, why would I?”

Cas grabs his head and screams.

 

 

Shaking, and in a cold sweat, Cas opens his eyes and looks around frantically. He hears the shower on in the bathroom and Robert still sound asleep in the bed next to him. He’s wrapped up in a blanket and still wearing Dean’s jacket.

Was it all a dream?

Cas quietly gets out of the bed and cracks the bathroom door open. Yep, Dean is still here. He closes it and leans against the wall next to it, breathing deeply.

If it was all a dream, then Dean didn’t see, then none of that happened, then Castiel still has some hope of Dean not hating him. This just proves that Dean should never find out. Which means Cas needs to lessen how often he does it. He slowly slides down the wall to sit on the ground, knees drawn up.

Cas felt his poisonous thoughts circle his head, going round and round, making Cas want to simultaneously run and hide and disappear forever. He clutches Dean’s jacket tighter around him and grips his arms.

Suddenly the bathroom door is opening and Dean looks down at Cas, amused. “Hey. Good morning. Why’re you on the floor?”

Cas looks up at Dean, trying not to stare. Dean’s dressed in some well-worn Jeans, a form fitting black shirt, and a dark green button-up with the sleeves rolled up. His necklace dangles around his neck and his hair drips water down his neck, making Cas’s mouth go dry.

Castiel looks away.

“I had a bad dream…”

Dean sighs and sits down on the floor next to Cas, pulling him against his side. Cas pulls away from it, but lets Dean keep his hand on his waist. “What happened? Was it the one you told me about last night?”

Cas shakes his head. “No… This one was different but… it felt so real…”

“Well what happened?”

Cas felt his ears go pink. “N-nothing major. I just- you said you wanted to know. So I told you. When I was still an angel, I didn’t dream. Even the few times I did fall asleep, there was nothing. This is all so new and surreal.” Cas looks at Dean. “Dean how do you tell reality from dreams. How do I know that this isn’t just a dream?”

Dean looks thoughtful for a few minutes. “Hmm well I just imagine something ridiculous. And if it doesn’t happen, then I know it’s real.”

“Ridiculous?” Castiel accompanies his question with his classic head tilt.

Dean laughs and ruffles his hair. “Yeah. Like flying monkeys or something. Now come on, get dressed. I’m starved.” Dean jumps up, stretching. He helps Cas up, holding onto Cas’s hand a little longer than what was deemed normal. He feels heavy. His head is swarming with bad thoughts.

_Dean is messing with you. He’s just being nice to you to get close. Stop being such a baby, Castiel. What if this is the dream and that was reality? Dean already hates you. Poor Castiel just couldn’t handle it. Poor, weak, pathetic Castiel who carves his skin to make himself feel better. A broken angle that Dean could never love._

Cas grabs some clothes and runs for the bathroom.

Castiel stares into the mirror, breathing heavily. Just a couple. Just a couple of cuts. That’s all he needs. But his angel blade is in the other room. Cas starts tearing into the cabinets looking for _something_ he can use. He CANNOT spend an entire day with Dean when his head feels this heavy. Cas starts to fumble, wanting nothing more than to lay on the ground and cry when he sees it.

There. On the edge of the sink is the razor Dean must have used. Cas grabs the razor and fiddles with it until it breaks open. Rolling up his sleeve with shaky hands, Cas immediately swipes it across his wrist. It makes a thinner line than what he’s used to. But it’ll have to do. He makes two more and his head begins to clear again. He focuses on the pain, sighing. He goes to make a fourth cut when there’s a knock on the door, making Cas jump, accidently making the cut longer than he intended.

“Hey, you okay in there? I heard some stuff fall.”

Cas shudders and takes some toilet paper, pressing it against the blood. He finds a kind of peaceful serene feeling at the calm in his head from the sting. “U-Uh yeah. I-I’m fine, Dean. I just tripped.”

“Cas.”

Cas sighs at Dean’s stern tone. “Dean, I’m fine. I told you I just tripped.”

“And I don’t believe you. I told you, I can tell when you’re lying.”

Cas rolls his eyes and washes his arm off. He hides the razor blade in his jeans pocket and pulls on a long sleeve dark blue button up shirt. He takes a deep breath and puts Dean’s jacket back on, then opening the door. “I told you Dean, I’m fine.”

Dean stares at Cas, looking him up and down. “Yeah okay, I believe you.” Dean swallows and Cas tilts his head.

“Dean? What’s wrong?”

Dean growls a bit but then shakes his head, clearing his throat. “N-Nothing. You just- you look good Cas.”

Cas’s cheeks turn slightly red but he ignores it and starts tying up his boots.

He stands back up and walks over to Dean. “Would you like your coat back, Dean?”

Dean smirks and puts a hand on Cas’s hip, making the latter shiver. “Nope. Looks better on you anyway, Angel.”    He follows the nickname with a wink.

It was going to be a long day.


	8. Chapter eight

**_ Chapter Eight. _ **

Making it to the mall was the easy part. Once they were there, was another story.

Cas sat in the passenger seat, sighing as Dean turned into yet another isle of the parking lot.

“Dean, there were many other open spa-“

“I know, Cas! But Damnit, I’m not leaving my baby where she’s going to be easy for some jackass to side swipe her.”

Cas sighs again and leans against the door, crossing his arms.

Another five minutes pass before Dean finally pulls into a parking space, big massive suv’s on each side protecting the Impala.

Castiel rolls his eyes and exits the car, thankful to finally stretch his legs. It had taken roughly about an hour to get there. Cas has decided, he doesn’t enjoy sitting still for that long.

“Dean?  Are you satisfied with the parking?  Can we go inside now? “

Dean can hear the irritation in Cas’s voice and smiles sheepishly. “Ehh sorry Cas, I guess I did get a bit too carried away… but hey!  We’re here now! Come on.”

Dean grabs Cas’s arm and drags him through the front doors.

The first thing that catches Cas’s eyes is the variety of people. Humans of all sizes, shapes, colors, and races walk from store to store, large bags on their arms, and mingle with one another. He stares in awe at the diversity. Cas would try and figure out everything about every single person if Dean hadn’t kept pulling him across the mall.

Cas couldn’t keep his eyes still for more than a few seconds. He walked beside Dean, staring at everything. Finally they stood in front of a store with the title of “Supercuts”. Cas tilted his head.

“Is this where I am meant to get my hair cut?”

Dean grins. “Yep! Do you know what you want?”

“I was assuming the usual cut that Jimmy had gotten would suffice.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “If that’s what you want, sure. But remember, Cas. Jimmy isn’t there anymore, that body is all yours. Meaning you can get a different haircut.”

Cas stares and shrugs his shoulders. “Well I’d like Jimmy’s haircut.”

Dean sighs. “Okay Cas. If that’s what you want.”

Dean pulls Cas into the store and after a few minutes of waiting and a picture on Dean’s phone, Cas is put into a chair and is expertly being maneuvered as the woman snips at his hair. She tries to chat with Castiel but he isn’t quite sure what to say. Speaking with other humans is difficult, Cas has found. What if he says the wrong thing and the woman is offended? Humans are so fragile.

Dean covers for him though, taking the woman’s attention and saving Cas from having to reply much.

A mirror is pushed into his line of sight and Cas sees that his hair is just a little bit shorter. Not much, but it looks nicer and cleaner than what it was before. He thanks the woman profusely until she’s blushing and Dean is passing her money and pulling him back out.

Dean asks if Cas wants to leave, but Cas shakes his head, wanting to experience this.

Dean drags him from store to store, even going as far as buying Cas a couple of new sweaters, and some jeans. Cas tries to pay but Dean waves him off. It would’ve been noble of him if Cas hadn’t remembered just how Dean gets his money.

And as they’re walking out of a hunting store where Dean bought Sam a hat with moose antlers as a joke, that’s when Cas sees it. It’s sitting casually on a male manikin, over plain business attire, but Cas hardly notices the other garments. His skin is practically itching for him to go over and put it on. Dean had been talking to him but stops when he notices Cas isn’t paying attention anymore. He follows Cas’s line of sight and smiles.

“Cas, do you want me to get you the trench coat?”

Cas glances over at Dean and looks back down, ashamed. “N-no, Dean. It’s alright. I was just remembering something.”

_What was he thinking!? Asking Dean to buy him something like that. It’s just a coat. Besides, Dean had already bought him so much, he doesn’t deserve something so symbolic. That’s not even THE coat. It’s just something that happens to be there._

Cas is knocked out of his thoughts by Dean knocking his shoulder against Cas. “Are you sure man? I don’t mind. And I’m sure Jacob Schreiber wouldn’t mind either.” Dean grins and holds up the credit card.

But no, Cas can’t ask more of Dean and shakes his head, faking a smile. No matter how much that coat means to Cas, how much security it brings, Cas can’t ask that of Dean. “No, that’s alright. It was just a coat. And you’ve already bought so much for me. Thank you though.”

Dean raises an eyebrow but as Cas starts to walk to the food court, Dean shrugs and follows.

Dean offers to pay for their lunch, but Cas shrugs him off and buys his own food with the crumbled up bills in his pocket. He’s starting to get the hang of money and no longer has to decide which bill he gives depending on the price of the item. When Dean leaves to the restroom, he comes back carrying an extra bag. Cas raises an eye brow and tries to peer inside, but Dean shakes his head. “It’s uhh it’s a surprise for Sam, but I don’t want anyone to know about it. l It’s just better that way.”

Cas accepts that and nods, going back to his fries.

Soon Cas has been to every store and his feet ache from so much walking. Dean’s arms are stuffed with merchandice. Cas holds one measly bag, which he refuses to let Dean look into.

“Awww Come on Cas, let me see! I wanna see.”

Cas huffs in irritation and walks ahead of Dean. “I said no. I told you Dean, it’s a present for you. You can’t see it until we get back to the motel.”

“Caaaaaaaaaaaaas.”

Cas rubs his temples at Dean’s whining. “Dean, can we just go home now? My feet hurt and I am tired of listening to you complain. The sooner we get back, the sooner I’ll give it to you. It is not something I wish to give in public.”

That shuts Dean up real quick. “Cas? Uhh okay? It’s nothing… sexy is it?”

Cas tilts his head. “What would be considered-“ Cas blushes when he looks behind Dean at the lingerie store, getting what Dean was hinting at. “What!? Dean, no! No nothing like that! Just- I just- I thought it would be better… since you’re not fond of ‘chick flick’ moments and I thought this might be considered as one and-“

Dean puts a finger to Cas’s lips. “Cas hush. You’re rambling. It’s cool man. We’ll go back to the motel. It’s fine.”

Cas sighs in relief. “Thank you, Dean.”

“Ehhh Don’t mention it.”

They effectively make it home, just in time to see Robert leaving. Cas gets out and stops him as he’s shutting the door.

“Robert? Are you going somewhere?”

The man looks caught and shrugs, not meeting Cas’s eyes. “Look Cas, I know we’re friends and all, but I’m kind of feeling left out. Out of place.” Cas tries to speak out but Robert shakes his head. “No, no. It’s fine. I get it. You found your guy. And that’s cool. I’m glad you did, but there are still monsters out there. And I… I want to fight them, Cas. I want to learn about them. And while you’re here playing catch up with your friend, I’m not really learning anything, am I. So… I’m leaving. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be okay. I know how to protect myself, thanks to you, and I know how to fight. So this is goodbye. I meant to leave while you guys were gone, but I guess I wasn’t quick enough.”

Dean nods and places a hand on Robert’s shoulder. “Here.” Dean slips takes out a pen and writes a number on Robert’s hand. “Call that number once you’re somewhere safe. Tell the guy that answers that Dean sent you. He’ll tell you everything you need to know. He’s a weird little guy, but I’ll tell ya, he’ll grow on you. His name is Garth. You got me?”

Robert nods gratefully, and puts his hand in his pocket, careful not to smudge the ink.

Cas stares dumbfounded and then pulls Robert into a hug. Robert grins and hugs back. But before he pulls away, he whispers in his ear a bit of advice.

“If you really care about him, you’ll tell him about your issue. I know, I saw it plain as day, but you can’t keep doing this alone, Cas. You gotta let someone help. And he seems like a good guy.”

Before Cas can reply, Robert is leaving, trying to hitch hike a ride with some truckers who stopped here for the night. Cas went to go after him, but Dean grabbed his elbow, holding him back. Cas wanted to scream at him, but he refrained himself and thought about what Robert said.

_He could never tell Dean._

 Castiel brushes off Dean’s hand on his arm and pushes inside of the motel room, Dean close on his heels.

“Hey Cas, if there’s anything I can do…”

Cas sits at the table, a heavy weight setting on his shoulders. “I’m fine, Dean. He was bound to leave sooner or later.”

Dean looks at Cas peculiarly and sits at the table as well. “And what is that supposed to mean? I thought you and Robert were friends.”

Cas shakes his head. “We are- were… I’m just- I’m not going to delude myself, Dean. I know how difficult it is to be around me.”

“Cas…”

“No Dean, it’s fine. I know.”

Dean sighs and rubs at his temple. “ Cas, you’re not difficult to deal with. And you gotta stop talking about yourself like that, man. You’re awesome, I wouldn’t be half the man I am today without you. Hell, I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for you.”

Cas looks at the floor and clasps his hands together. “They would’ve sent another angel to fetch you, Dean. I’m telling you, I’m nothing-“

“Cas, cut the crap will you!?”

Cas’s eyes snap up at Dean, who is now standing, his eyes stern and directed straight at Castiel.

“Cas, you- You’re-… Ugh! Damnit.” Dean slams hi hands down on the table, making Cas jump. “Cas, you’re important, Damnit. You’re important to me and I hate-,” Dean sighs and lets his head hang for a few seconds before lifting it again and meeting Cas’s eyes. “I Can’t stand it when you talk about yourself like you’re nothing. You’re not nothing… Cas, I need you to believe me.”

Cas’s breathing is shallow and his head is feeling heavy again as Dean speaks. He tries to respond but his throat is suddenly dry and closed. Castiel looks away from Dean and gripps the table with white knuckles. He needs to get out from Dean’s gaze. “Dean I- I do-,” Cas gulps, and takes another deep breath. He squeezes his eyes shut and lets his head drop. In a hoarse whisper he forces past his lips, he replies, “I- Dean I can’t. I’ve done too much wrong. You couldn’t understand.”

His head is being lifted up suddenly and Dean is crouching in front of him, so they’re on the same level.

“But Cas, I do understand. Don’t you get it? Cas, I’ve done just as much bad as you have. Just as many wrongs. You gave up everything for us, Cas. Everything that you knew. Just because I asked you too. Not many people would do that, much less for me and my brother.”

“Dean…,”

“No,” Dean cuts him off, and grabs Cas’s face, making the other’s breath hitch again. “Cas, you are everything to me. You’ll never be nothing.”

He blinks a few times as Dean holds his head up, and has to remind himself to breathe. He sees Dean inch closer until their noses bump, and Cas can feel Dean’s breath fall over his lips. Cas takes another shuddering breath and grips the table again. His knuckles are starting to feel stiff, but with the warmth of Dean’s breath and hands, he can barely notice.

Cas whispers Dean’s name lowly once more just before Dean closes the gap. Cas’s eyes are wide open as their lips make contact. It’s just a quick mouth pressing to mouth before Dean is pulling back enough so Cas doesn’t have to go cross-eyed to focus on Dean’s face.

Dean rubs his thumbs against Cas’s cheeks and keeps eye contact. “Was that okay?”

Cas nods mutely and grips the table more.

Dean lets go of Cas’s face and takes hold of his hands instead, having to pry them off of the table. Cas immediately misses them but he’ll take Dean holding his hands any day. His head still feels a little scrambled from the kiss so when Dean helps him into a standing position and pulls him over to sit on the bed he hardly notices.

Dean pulls off Cas’s boots as well as his own and sits next to Cas. They sit in silence for a few minutes and Dean discreetly clasps hands with Cas.

“Why did you kiss me?” Cas asks in a whisper.

Dean sighs and squeezes his hand. “Because I like you, Cas. I have for awhile. It was only inevitable really.” Dean looks over at Cas shyly and Cas can’t comprehend why someone like Dean would have any reason to be insecure in this situation. “Was that… okay? That I kissed you?”

Cas blushes and looks down. “Very much so.”

Dean smiles and lifts up Cas’s chin again. “Can we do it again? O-only if you want to, of course.”

Cas swallows a breath and squeezes Dean’s hand tightly. His eyes are wide and round again, but he can feel himself nodding without his conscious instruction.

Dean is guiding Cas’s chin towards him again and suddenly they’re kissing again. Only this time, Dean is holding it rather than moving away right after. His hand smooths over Cas’s chin to hold his cheek again. Cas makes a small sound, close to a whimper, and Dean tilts his head to the side and his lips begin to _move._

Castiel’s eyes fall shut, and he grips onto Dean’s shirt with his free hand. Cas’s entire jaw begins to tingle when Dean licks across his bottom lip and his hand slides back and holds onto the back of Cas’s head.

Cas loses himself in the kiss but it’s not long until they’re both panting with open mouths and laying back on the bed. Dean had them both on their sides, legs tangled, with one hand gripping the base of Cas’s head and the other wrapped around his waist. Cas has one arm gripping  onto the back of Dean’s shirt and the other on Dean’s neck.

Dean pulls back with great restraint and squeezes Cas’s hip. Cas gives off a soft whine, and looks questioningly at Dean.

He laughs and basically pets the back of Cas’s head. Everything is perfect as they gaze at each other until Dean’s fingers graze the skin underneath Cas’s sweater. Cas jumps back, tumbling out of Dean’s arms and legs, and falls back onto the floor with a yelp. Even though his back is feeling a lot better, it still hurts on sudden impact.

“Cas! You okay!?” Dean’s head pops over the edge of the bed and Cas squeezes his eyes shut. He nods and curls in on himself.

_Damnit Castiel, you always have to ruin everything. He wasn’t going to see. Dean was just doing exactly what you wanted him to. Not surprising you can’t even kiss right. It’s the dream all over again. You’re going to let him get to close and he’ll see and he’ll hate you. It’ll always be that way. Because you’re a broken, pathetic, useless-_

Cas was dragged from his thoughts by the hand placed on his shoulder. He jumped at the contact and looked up into green eyes again.

Dean looks down at his worriedly. “Cas, what happened? Did I do something?”

Cas feels like he’s going to cry. _He- he made Dean think it was his fault that he’s fucked up!?_ Cas shakes his head no and shrugs off Dean’s hand. “N-no, you didn’t do anything wrong, Dean I just_ Y-your hand and…” Cas lets out a high pitched whine and buries his face again.

Dean sighs and scratches the back of his head. He stands up and goes to Cas’s duffle bag, pulling out fresh clothes for the ex angel and places them on the mattress.

“Look, it’s been a long day. Go get ready for bed. I’ve had enough of this crap in one day. We’ll hash it out tomorrow, okay?”

Cas keeps his head down and takes a deep breath, trying to calm his spinning thoughts. “Y-yeah. Okay.”

Cas pulls himself up to his feet slowly and grabs the clothes, going to the bathroom to change without meeting Dean’s eyes.

Once alone, Cas lets the tears fall silently and sits down on the tub. He knew something like this would happen. And now Dean will act as if Cas would break any second. _Not that that isn’t true…_ Cas shakes his head and pulls the razor blade he had hid in his pocket that morning. Staring at it, Cas almost wants to laugh. That one little piece of metal holds all the power over him right now.

It doesn’t take much will power to let the blade win. Cas brings it down to his now exposed wrist and makes a cute. He defiantly prefers the angel blade, the more inflicting wounds it can make, but this will have to do.

Cas makes three, four, more swipes and his wrist is sufficiently bloody. Careful not to make a mess, Cas holds his arm aver his thigh and sighs deeply as his head clears a bit. He doesn’t have to think anymore and can instead focus on his heavy pulse in his wrist.

Castiel could have probably sat there for hours, watching the red slowly run down his arm and soak into his jeans, until the cuts inevitably scab over, but he doesn’t have that time now. Dean could get suspicious any moment.

So Cas carefully cleans off his arm, trying not to his when the water agitates the cuts, and applies gauze over them to make sure they don’t reopen in the night. Just as he’s coming out of the  bathroom in the clean clothes, Dean has his fist up ready to knock.

“Uhh hey Cas. I was getting a bit worried, you were in there for awhile.”

Now with a clearer mind, Cas rolls his eyes and walks past Dean, ignoring his current state of dress. His grey briefs and a deliciously tight black shirt that does nothing to hide the man’s physique. “Yes, well I tend to take a little longer to get dressed. Is that all right?”

Dean blinks back at the man and follows him to the bed. “Cas? Sorry, I didn’t mean to piss you off. I was just worried.”

Castiel sighs and lays back, getting under the covers. “I’m sorry Dean. I’m just frustrated.”

Dean lays next to Cas and pulls him up against his chest. There is no power on this Earth that can make Cas move from Dean’s comforting arms. Not now when he feels so exhausted. “Wanna tell me about it?”

Cas decides to deflect Dean with sarcasm. “Oh yes, because you’re always ready to talk about feelings.”

Dean laughs and strokes a hand on Cas’s cheek. “Was that sarcasm? Damn Cas, soon you’ll be worse than me.” Dean then makes Cas look at him, and pulls the blanket up higher. “But seriously, Cas. If you ever want to talk abut something, I’m here, okay? I’m not leaving you again.”

Cas bows his head. _Yeah you may say that now…_ “I know Dean,” is what he says instead. “But I require rest right now. Can’t we just sleep?”

Dean sighs but nods. He gives Cas another soft kiss that leaves Cas leaning forward for more, and tucks his head underneath Dean’s chin. “Yeah. Goodnight, Cas.”

Cas squeezes his wrist to remind himself why he has to keep Dean from knowing and sighs as well. “Goodnight.”


	9. Chapter nine

Chapter Nine.

He was falling.  
Castiel recognized where he was almost immediately. He could already feel the burning in his back as his wings burned off of him. Cas was caught between wanting to cry and scream simultaneously. But per usual, no sound came out. He could see his cuts break open, leaving long red streaks in the sky as the ground comes closer and closer. Cas tries to scream out for Dean, tries to find something to hold onto but there's nothing but air. He can feel each individual feather catch aflame and burn to the stem before breaking off into ash.  
Cas feels his body shake with pain and tries to scream again. The ground is coming closer and closer and not for the first time, he wishes he could crash into it sooner.anything to end his pathetic existence. He holds his arms to his chest but finds he can't move them. Castiel can feel himself panicking as the world around him starts to fade. The sky greys until it is pitch black and something is pressed against his face. Something warm and soft.  
Castiel inhaled quickly and clenches his hand into fists. He can already feel the panic attack coming on. His chest tightens and his heart feels like it's racing. Castiel squeezes his eyes shut in hopes it'll calm him down but instead his eye lids burn and he's widening them again. Cas shakes as a sob escapes him. He tries to focus on a thought but his mind is racing to much to hold onto one. All he knows for certain is that it hurts and he needs to stop thinking. He lets out another sob and pushes the body away from him.  
Cas climbs backwards trying to stand up but his legs are tangled in the sheets and he feels trapped. His breathing speeds up more and he falls backwards off of the bed. Something is calling his name but all Cas can see is his legs trapped in the sheets. He frantically pulls at them, trying to rip them off. Another set of hands join his and help Cas free his legs before grabbing onto Cas's face and lifting it up. Dean is talking but Cas still only can hear the rushing of his blood in his ears. He feels like his body is on fire. Cas lifts his hand to push Dean away again but it's trembling to much to be of effect. He instead weakly pushes at dean's chest and shouts for him to leave him alone.  
Cas is pushing himself up to his feet now, using the wall, and walking on shaking legs to "the bathroom. He needs to cut. More than anything that is what he needs. Just a few he tells himself. Cas lets out another sob when he can't get the door open. Cas fumbles with the handle for a few more minutes as his vision blurs and his chest burns and falls to his knees feeling the tears fall down his face.  
Dean is right behind him, pulling Cas against his chest. Cas feels the soft breath against his head and the gentle strokes down his back. Dean rocks him back and forth slowly talking in his ear. Cas holds a hand tight against his chest and sobs like never before. He tries to focus on Dean but it takes a few tries to actually do so. Cas is surprised to find Dean actually singing hey Jude quietly in his ear. This new knowledge just brings a new wave of tears down his face.  
They stayed in that position until the attack subsided enough for Cas to breath better and his sobs turned into quiet hiccups. Dean was rubbing his back and petting his hair in front of the bathroom door.  
Castiel quite sure how long they stay there but Dean doesn't leave him even for a second as Cas gasps and tries to get a hold of himself. Eventually his skin stops burning and his chest loosens enough for Cas to draw in deep breaths. He can hear Dean counting out seconds for him to breathe to and it helps. Cas feels a rush of relief when he focus on Dean's voice. He breaths again, coughing into Dean's chest. He blinks and glances up at him only to look back down. Cas sits up properly and suddenly feels ashamed.  
"Dean... Dean I'm sorry...," he rasps out, now noticing how dehydrated he feels.  
"Shut up Cas."  
Cas sucks in a breath and looks up at Dean in surprise but is shocked to see him smiling.  
"You don't need to apologize, okay? I'm gonna go get you some water, okay? You stay right there."  
Cas just nods, still shaking, and watches Dean run around the motel. Dean comes back and pushes a glass of water gently into Cas's hand and crouches in front of him.  
"Hey, so are you feeling any better?"  
Castiel nods meekly and looks down into his cup. "Y-yeah..."  
Dean pulls out a shopping bag that had been pushed under the bed. With a nervous grin, he clears his throat and looks away.  
"This uh... this is for you. It's- I got it while we were at the mall. I got it from the car while you were changing last night and I was going to give it to you earlier but uhh well it didn't feel like the right time and and wasn't sure if if you'd even want it after I left you and i-"  
Cas hushes Dean with a finger to his lips and a soft smile. "Dean. Dean it's fine! I'm sure I'll love it. I uh," Cas can hear the hesitation in his voice and curses himself for it. "I kind of got you something as well."  
Dean laughs quietly and nods. "Yeah I remember. Do you want me to open it now?"  
Cas nods shyly and gets up on shaky legs, using the wall for support. He downs the rest of his glass and takes a deep breath. "I'll... I'll go get it from the car."  
Cas quickly runs outside and leans against the wall, taking another deep breath. He felt... He felt calm. Shaky and nervous, sure, but mostly calm. Odd for just having an attack, he thinks. Cas does as he said and pulls his bag out of the back seat of the Impala, but before he goes back inside, he runs a thumb across his wrist along the cuts he made last night. He had wanted to when he first woke up, but now... Cas isn't sure what he wants.  
He thinks about Dean holding him and staying with him through out his attack and a small smile comes to his face. He's never seen this side of Dean before, but he likes it. And maybe... maybe Dean wouldn't hate him as much if he saw... Cas shakes his head to push away the thought. No. Of course Dean can never know about that. But... that doesn't mean Dean can't know about other things...  
Cas steels himself and holds the bag to his chest as he walks back into the motel room.  
Dean had set the larger bag in the middle of the table and was picking at his finger nails when Cas comes back in, gaining his attention. Dean visibly sits up straighter and kicks it the other chair. Cas sits nervously and puts his bag on the table and rubs at his arms. being outside, even for a short amount of time, left him feeling uncomfortably chilly.  
"Uhh here." Cas shoves the bag in dean's direction but the other just shakes his head.  
"Nah, you first. I wanna know what you think."  
Cas nods and pulls the large bag to him and stands up to reach inside to grab at the material wrapped in thin paper. Pulling it out, Cas can't help the gasp when the paper falls away.  
"Dean...," he says in a broken voice. Cas quickly wipes at his eyes to hide any evidence of tears and lays his trench coat on the table. "Dean, you shouldn't have-... i-i didn't..."  
He looks up at Dean with teary eyes again.  
Dean shrugs and grins to himself. "Don't worry about it, Cas. that's why it's called a present. I got it for you because I wanted to, okay?"  
Cas feels himself grin and he hugs the coat to his chest. "I... Yes, Dean. Thank you. Although, with the thought that went into this, I don't think my present will mean much..."  
Dean scoffs and shakes his head at Cas, digging into his own bag."shuddup Cas. It'll be fine." He's pulls out a wrapped package and carefully rips the corners open as Cas watches nervously. He pulls out two leather necklaces with a puzzle piece in pie shape on each one. One says "best" and the other says "friend". As Dean stares at it, Cas starts to feel his anxiety rise up and all he can think of is how stupid the gift is compared to the one Dean gave to him. He swallows thickly and looks down.  
"I-i I told you it was stupid, Dean. I'm sorry. Just... the lady at the store said that it's a very popular purchase and I knew that you enjoy pie and that we are friends, but I wasn't sure if we were in fact 'best' friends but the lady informed me that that usually doesn't matter and I felt as if I was inconveniencing her so i-i I just bought it and-"  
Deancut the ex Angel off with a kiss. He had one hand around the back of Cas's neck and the other holding the necklaces. Cas let out a small whimper and leaned forward as Dean pulled away, a smirk on his face.  
"Cas is okay. Better than okay. I love it, okay? Thank you. And of course you're my best friend, Cas. I thought I told you that already."  
Cas shook himself out of his daze of staring at Dean's lips and looked down again. "Well yes but I thought after everything I have done... that I was no longer worthy of that title.."  
Dean rolls his eyes and pulls Cas's chair over closer to him.  
"Cas, what did I say last night? I've done bad shit too. If you can forgive me, then I can forgive you. So shut up and let me put this on you."  
Cas opens his mouth to argue but Dean glares so Cas keeps his mouth shut. He watches as Dean opens the plastic package and puts the one that says "friend" on himself and then reaches his arm around Cas and clasps it around him s neck. Cas shivers as he feels Dean's breath on his skin. Dean's lips curl into another smile and he lays his hands flat on Cas's shoulders and begin to message the muscles there. "I really do like the necklaces, Cas," he says in a low voice next to Cas's ear.  
Cas swallows hard and glances over to Dean. "I'm glad, Dean. Thank you for the coat."  
Dean nods and continues to message the neck, shoulder, and back muscles all around the back of Cas's neck. He asks Cas to sit side ways and spreads his legs so he can reach better. He pulls Cas back to lean against him though so he can still still speak into his ear. "Is this good?" He asks and digs his fingers into a knot at the base of Cas's neck but the shorter man can only nod and let his head hang down as Dean works in him. He's not sure where Dean leaned how to do this to him but he's not about to ask him to stop.  
Dean keeps at it until Cas is practically slumping against him. He stabs stands up and pulls Cas's Cas with him. "Why don't you lay on the bed so I can get your whole back?"  
Cas swallows again and nods. He lays on his stomach, the sweater he's wearing riding up a little when Cas rests his chin on his crossed arms, his new coat bundled up beneath him.  
He feels a weight added to each side of him on the mattress and looks behind him to see Dean straddling his back.  
"Calm down, Cas. You gotta relax or this will all be for nothing."  
Cas nods but can help tensing when he feels Dean's hands on his neck again. Dean leans down and kisses the base of Cas's hair line and trails down to his shirt line. "Relax," he whispers against Cas's skin.  
Cas nods again and feels Dean move his hands further down his back, still kissing along the back of Cas's neck. He is completely useless to the world by the time Dean gets to the base of Cas's spine. He doesn't really acknowledge when Dean's hands slip beneath his sweater and message directly against his skin. Cas sighs and slumps further into the mattress, letting Dean's wonderful hands control him.  
Dean makes it all the way to the top of Cas's spine, pushing the sweater up to his shoulder blades, careful to not press too hard on the mostly healed werewolf scares. Cas turns his head to the side and breathes in heavy pants.  
Dean kisses along Cas's neck To his throat and up his chin to meet his lips where Cas kisses him greedily. Dean slides a hand up Cas's shoulder, under the sweater and his other holds Cas's jaw as Dean lays on top of him. Cas wimpers and opens his mouth for Dean, who gladly takes advantage of that, all the while slipping more to Cas's side to pull Cas more against him.  
Dean pushes Cas on his back and holds his arms above his head, pushing the sweater up higher. When it hits Cas's chin Cas makes a noise in the back of his throat and goes to wrap his arms around Dean and that's when he feels it. Dean's hand is sliding against the top of his arm, beneath his sleeve and going further and further towards his hands. Cas moves his mouth off of Dean and shouts for him to stop. Cas can feel himself shaking and he squeezes his eyes shut so he doesn't have to see the look in Dean's eyes.  
"Cas...?" Dean looks down at Cas and tries to see what he did wrong. He flexes his hand on Cas's bicep and his eyes widen. "Shit Cas! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-" he's about to remove his hand when he sees Cas wince. Cas has his arms locked together now, gripping onto his wrists tightly, eyes squeezed shut, and mouth firmly closed.  
Dean keeps his hand there and strokes Cas's jaw with the other. "Cas. Cas look at me."  
Castiel forces his eyes open but doesn't look at Dean. He instead stares at Dean's chin fighting back tears.  
Dean holds into Cas's arm tight and moves his line of sight to match Cas's. "Cas. Please. I'm worried. Can't you just show me what's wrong?" Cas can hear the frustration in his voice and he hates himself for upsetting Dean so. He needs to get away. He needs to get far far away from Dean. To protect himself. He begs Dean to let him go but Dean shakes his head no and straddles Cas's hips again when Cas tries to roll out from under him.  
Dean looks at Cas apologetically and says, "Cas I need to know. You can trust me. I just need to know you're okay. Whatever you show me I can help you."  
Castiel shakes his head again and tears fall from his eyes and his body shakes with the sobs. All he can think about is the blade and how much Dean will hate him if he sees. Cas sees dean's eyes widen and sit up, letting go of Cas's arm. That's when Cas noticed he had said something crucial out loud.  
"Cas? What do you... what do you mean 'i need the blade, Dean will hate me'?"  
Cas squeezes his eyes shut again and holds his arms to his chest as Dean pieces things together. He opens his eyes again after he doesn't hear Dean say anything or move for a few minutes. Dean is staring at him with wide eyes, not sure what to say. Cas looks away when Dean starts to speak.  
"Cas... Cas do you- do you cut yourself?"  
Cas takes a deep breath and let's his arms fall limp as the fight leaves him and prepares to accept his fate.  
"Yes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. Again sorry for the long wait. I've been busy with life and well truthfully, I had a ginormous case of writers block when starting this chapter. That and my kindle is a piece of shit :/ Welp, if you enjoyed this at all, let me know :D and sorry again xD I have no clue why you guys keep reading this. They're not even in character.


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